It's Friday, I'm in love.

Update: Loving life. In love. In life.

So often in my other blogs I feel like I just state how I feel instead of putting emotion into something. I wonder if that's a tendency or just something about sitting down at the computer screen and suddenly feeling overwhelmed at the jumble of words and sentence combinations that flow out of the mental faucet. Not to mention the overflow of tangencies that proceed thereafter and not wholly understanding how the puzzle will fit into place.

Was I born scatterbrained or is that just some funky left-handed thing?

I gotta paint or create. There was a cloud of desaturation infiltrating my vision -- slowly at first and then seeping into almost everything. I started going through life as an ant, as they say, dulled and on auto-pilot. And I think that's unavoidable, to a certain extent you always have to be able to have that ability in order to survive sometimes, because maybe all you're focused on is surviving. Just because you posses human emotion doesn't mean you want to acknowledge, activate or expend it. There was a chunk of last year where I was dazed and haphazardly trying to keep up without any passion for what I was doing or what was happening around me. Me, me, me. I, I, I. Ugh, blogging sounds so selfish at times.

Color is returning, vivid clarity and sharp details have zoomed into focus. So I don't know what I want to do with my life, who cares? I'm taking steps to do what I love and make that work. Why is everything in my brain based on having the answers. Why can't it just be about living and being happy and grateful for the opportunity to take a breath, and occasionally increase a small area's carbon dioxide levels with a great debate? Or a pause to see the twinkle in someone's eye as they fondly share a sunny memory? A small portion of their lives that they will carry forever, calling upon in times of need, reassurance, self-deprecating or self-enlightening.

There's some cheesy quote about going through life waiting for that moment to happen when the right conditions are met to be happy and missing all of the opportunities to be happy along the way. I don't know. I don't get truly inspired often and so often I've been too busy to clench my teeth into it. Maybe it's time to put that to use instead of ignoring it for the sake of "real life"/obligations. Maybe that's what I'm supposed to do, is follow that inspiration and see where it takes me.

In other news, yes! In love! Can I shout it? Oh man. Please? Okay!

Damnit Jim, I'm a doctor not a pool man!

How easy it is to let something go at times.
How easy it is to unneccessarily hold on.

Well Hell's Bells, I dunno. I keep on ah truckin' along. I don't know why other people do what they do. Why other people have kids and can't even muster up the effort to care for them. Why people start things they're unsure about and regret later. Why I still hold something with me at times that I've let go.

This sounds sad, partly because I am very lost in my artistic endeavors and budding/not-yet-started-because-I-can't-find-direction-in-school career. I'm immersing myself back into family in order to regain focus. Remember what I've been working so hard for the past 6+ years. Recharge, relax and reenergizer bunny! It also probably sounds sad because of some family drama I'm not involved in, but would love to help (unfortunately there isn't a whole lot I can do). And mostly, probably, because I stumbled across an old journal entry while cleaning out my computer 2 nights ago that really hit below the belt. I was so happy, so excited, asking so many questions, so into it, so blatantly unafraid to take the next steps (that ended when I saw I was the only one willing to step forward). I don't know, something about that one that I found struck a chord.

It's not that I'm better than someone else, BUT I am definitely better than this. It is normal, however, to have these instances flare up every so often, I think. I think it's part of the whole process.

Funny, how our experiences mold us. Curious, how our decisions follow us. I don't regret anything, though sometimes I regret giving him the benefit of the doubt. "He's a great guy." Man I hear that whenever anyone brings his name up, that's what everyone says, but I disagree, haha. That's just because I'm biased. Anywho! This doesn't bubble up very often anymore, which is a good sign. I have someone else who is just as excited, just as happy, just as loving and just as willing to take the next step as me. Freaking fracking "gettem I be sayin'" l-o-v-e it. Falling a little more and more with every interaction. :] Glad that we have some distance so I can sort of deal with this crap and not let it get in the way.

How weird, you know, something that lasted 3.5 years resolved completely and is remembered with a nostalgic fondness that I think everyone has with their first encounter with love. Love love, not infatuation. But then for something that lasted only a few months can have such a profoundly negative association in my brain. I have been the bigger person and put it aside, but I talked to the bf about it last night and would not like either of them to cross paths in my presence. At least for awhile, haha. I'm feeling a little uh.. too introspective lately. Time to go feeed my baby neice!

She said can you remember me, I'm the one that picked the apple tree

I'm going to go out here on a limb and say that this has good potential. I'm also going to cower back from that limb and say I am afraid of getting hurt again.

How can I say this? The last thing that came by way and made me this excited died down. The last time I felt this giddy and blushed this much, it only lasted for 2-3 months. I was really into it, I liked the person a lot, I looked forward to every IM and weekend spent at his house. But there came a point where we disconnected, shit hit the fan, I wasn't let in and there's something.. there. Something underneath all of those layers that still bothers me about it. I suppose in the end I wondered why someone would start a first kiss and begin something so amazing without wanting to see what could become of it. I suppose it's because I never got to argue, I just took it as it was. I suppose it's also because I didn't get a chance to unwind, relax, get comfortable with them enough for, in my opinion, them to tell if I had staying power. Maybe not. Maybe they could see past it all.

Let's see what else. The last time something lasted an entire weekend, my excitement level only lasted a week or two. I was all into it and then I lost it. We got to know each other more and I wasn't really all that giddy about who I uncovered underneath.

What I'm trying to say is I don't want this to be like one of the other times. I don't want this to be like any of the other times! I'm not saying that this new guy has to be the end all, but I am saying that he's pretty amazing and seems like the type of person I have been looking for in a significant other for awhile. If I've learned anything from my past relationship, it's what works and doesn't work for me in certain scenarios -- and this one is showing some lasting potential.

I'm excited but I feel I'm also holding myself back. God I've been ready for a good relationship for a year now and something like this falls into place and weirdly tumbles into our laps. I am so relieved I'm not the only one excited. I am sooo nervous. I am soo still not comfortable in my own skin (almost in the 120s though, only 3 lbs away yay).

I'm worried about making this out to be something better than it is. I am worried about losing interest. I am worried in him losing interest. I am worried it will die out before getting a nice, steady blaze going.. but I am really, really glad that this is happening. :] I hope I can push past all of this bullshit enough to show him something worth sticking around for. Something worth coming back to. We'll see, let's not get ahead of ourselves. But if it feels right, let's freefall.

Winner winner, chicken dinner

W-I-N. So much FULL of win that I cannot even possibly describe the win. Except to say, of course, that it is safe to assume a win. WIN.

This weekend wins 'cause the first date wins. Won! Won, yes. That makes much more sense.

I have a sketchbook that isn't even halfway filled up due Thursday. TWO colored pencil shebangs due Wednesday. This week is gonna knock me down, but I'mma get right back up and keep on fighting. WHY?! Because I GOTTA!

Four more days 'til I get to see him again! This will be good.

You could be the queen, and I would be the king

Let me do something I don't normally do, and recommend music. Jamin Wilcox is the drummer (or was, maybe) of one of my favorite bands, Under the Influence of Giants. All of the UTIOG members have broken off and started to experiment flying solo, which I'm not a huge fan of since that usually means an eventual break up, though some of the results have been splendid. Like Jamin's songs.

So excited for this weekend! I will not get ahead of myself on this one. I will not get ahead of myself on this one. Repeat after me, self. I will not get ahead of myself! Self!

There's always this wall that you hit in the semester, as a college student. Or perhaps it's only for creative-based studies, but there's always this make it or break it wall. I'm not saying I'm not making it, but it's taking me much longer to crack through that wall -- before I would have already gotten through but now I'm barely making a dent. I've handled tougher projects under more strenuous deadlines with a heavier workload ON TOP of personal issues (e.g. deployment/divorce/moving combo), this semester is not that tough, why does it feel so tough?

At first I started wondering if I'm getting artistically lazy. But then my Friday class always inspires me to work as hard as I can, and I stay late in order to keep on drawing on those days.. I think I'm starting to get a little worn out. I don't know, I shouldn't get worn out, I should be able to handle this if I'm passionate enough about it and want to pursue it in the real world. Then again, in the real world, I wouldn't necessarily be juggling 12-15 units with a job.

Maybe it's because I'm not going to be tracing everything in graphite, and I'm just burnt out of my graphite/colored pencil class, haha.

Well, I'm not going to worry about it, despite the fact that I probably will worry at least a little. My plate is full, but I've filled up larger plates and felt more efficient. I was getting like this this time last year, and then summer hit and it was glorious and I was single and discovering myself all over again. Maybe I need to skip the second job and just live. All work and no play make Shana go something something. GO CRAZY?! Don't mind if I do!

(I will not get ahead of myself. Eep, so excited though. What am I gonna weaaar, I don't want to look like I'm trying too hard, but I do, but who cares I want to be pretty, but he should think I'm pretty anyway if this is going anywhere else, aaaah okay. Back to sanity.)

Ah-ah-aaaaah-choo!

I have not been able to stop sneezing and sniffling for the life of me! What is this, some sort of weird sickly hang over? Re-tarded. It should be noted that since leaving the dog-infested area, sniffling and sneezing activity seems to have died down significantly. Irregardless, girls night was a lot of fun. :]

Let's dig deep into the subconscious levels and peel away the metaphorical onion layers for a bit. To be frank, I need to stop being ridiculously shy not only around new guys, now, but new girlfriends. I haven't had this sort of shyness with girls that I know will be great girlfriends until recently, and I'm thinking it's because of the weight gain and reasons my last relationship ended. (It doesn't help that I act so silly/social online and then take 2-3 hang-out periods before I work up to being comfortable around someone new.)

The weight gain is silly, I went from a size 2 to a size 6 in a few months after some emotional pile ups last year.. I've been going back to the ol' size 2 body slowly but surely. Already I'm down to 132, which is 10lbs lighter than when I started! My goal is to be in the mid-120s by late May (my birthday), and I'm guessing from there I will fit into my size 2s and 4s again. I'm not focused on the actual weight number, but it does help me get a frame of reference for how much longer I have to go to get back to "normal."

And now, the previous relationship scars.. See, the last boyfriend was a good one. Things started out really great, things progressed so fluidly that I don't think either of us realized what was happening until we woke up one day and realized we'd been together for 2-3 years. Know what illicited that 4am phone call? The Marines. He got deployed, we moved in together before he left, I got roommates to pay rent while he was gone, he came home, things were supposed to be like they were before he left. But they weren't. He had something with my best friend and roommate going on behind my back at the time, I went to Hawaii, and we held the pieces for a year after he got back before having to call it quits. We're still good friends to this day.

Irregardless of what happened with Joe, the Marine, I think what has scarred me most is what happened with Michelle, the former best friend. We've all patched things up since, but perhaps there is some underlying hesitancy towards females because of what happened. In the back of my mind I think my subconscious starts to wonder, "Is she going to pretend to be my best friend and screw me over later on?" when I'm having a conversation with a great gal that I jive with in that best friend manner. That's why I gravitated towards guys. I've never gravitated towards guys, even as a kid I was too shy to ask Zach Edlow to play foursquare! WTF.

Well anyway.. we had a girls night last night that turned into a girls morning and girls afternoon, and we all noted many times that we have very good potential to become the best of friends. We all jive, we all had fun, we all laughed. But I was the most quiet. I don't like being the quiet one. I am comfortable with it but I don't always like it. And then this morning and afternoon, I was sniffling and sneezing too much to even really pay attention to the conversation. Luckily I am 70% sure that the ladies understood, but there are always those first hang outs where if nothing is initiated afterwards, things start to die down. Sort of like that second date potential window that always happens after the first.. though I think with friendships it's more low key.

Anywho I hope that this won't be one of those times where I look back and go "I should have gotten to know them better before so-and-so moved away" or "Why didn't we hang out more when we always said we would." Also I am exciiiited for next weekend because it is the first date with the new guy/prime suspect AND the night before I will get to hang out with one of the other potentials. Another potential wants to do something too but I think that might be a little too much for one weekend.

Again, since when did guys start liking me? Uh, yeah I don't know!

Wishing you, I'm not the one for you, you're not the one for me, and I can't stand it

Hmmm. Hm, hm, hmm. I've neglected this little area of the Internet! Ten days in Internet time is like a month in real time. I swear, in the only instance where I was able to stay off of Facebook for a few weeks, I had messages, wall posts and texts up the wahoo asking me if I was okay because people thought there was something wrong. I don't know if that speaks to the caliber of my Facebook friends or the extremity of my Facebook addiction, haha!

You know there's always that feeling you get in the beginning of something. There's always that excitedness, there's always those butterflies, flounders, I-feel-like-I'm-awkwardly-moving-in-slow-motion-in-front-of-you moments followed by I-can't-stop-smiling moments (assuming we're having a good time). And then there are always those feelings at the end of something. Those unsure, wavering hypotheses as to why it didn't work out. If you're like me you take the mental film reel you kept recording all of those moments together and inspect for any signs of damage or wear and tear.

Unfortunately I do this for short-term relationships as well as long term, e.g. something that lasted a few months AND something that lasted 3 and 1/2 years. And it serves to make me pretty dense at times, haha. Its okay. I'm just a sensitive, silly gal. Someone I met and went on a few dates with, George, told me, "Wow, you seem so innocent and untainted." I've gotten that a lot, though keep in mind this was after the summer of 2009 where I did a lot of badassery I've never done before. Braved new worlds and new territories, boldly going, all that jazz (thank you Jean Luc Picard). I suppose I always assumed "innocent" tied in with "inexperience" more than anything else, but in this instance it wasn't after I answered "no" to a series of "Have you ever" questions. In this instance it wasn't asking if I've been out of the country, relating a story I couldn't connect with, or a question I didn't know how to answer. In this instance it was an immediate mental side note said out loud.

Maybe I'll always be associated with innocent traits.
Maybe in some circumstances I just have to learn for myself.

If you couldn't already tell, I was trying to wrap things up and lead into a "he was right, I shouldn't pine after him anymore" thing. (Not "he" as in George, btw, but "he" as in My Mister Mister, DL, the one I've been updating about.) Because he was. Because in the past few weeks a combination of events have happened to cause me to introspectively investigate, and the findings of my detective work have solved the case. The case wasn't that hard to solve, I just have a tendency of looking into the details before reading the obvious: we want different things. Completely different things! Undeniably different things. I realized this at the end of last summer, I took my time to get over him, I made my attempts at coming full circle to meet with closure at the local Starbuck's, have a cup of coffee and be along my merry way.

Further evidence supports the theory that we are still attracted to each other (hence spending the night a few weeks ago and being dumfounded that I was even invited to spend the night), can still crack each other up, but ultimately cannot give each other what we need at this time. And that's okaaay! The great thing about blogging is it's a moment frozen in time -- it solidifies all of the words floating in the pool of consciousness in my brain, strings them along in order and creates a nice imprint for me to re-visit later. Those moments are sometimes lasting moments full of feeling that has churned inside for the better part of a week, those moments are also sometimes the result of having too much time, not enough time, or too much synaptic energy. I hope I didn't come off as being anything other than I was -- on the steps to something that could be great, waiting behind the police tape.

I came back to those steps and the police tape was still there, so I've decided to go look for another story of steps. Um, and let's not get too ahead of ourselves, but.. pending a new investigation into our new prime suspect, I may have found something that could be.. better. That could be more aligned with my wants and needs. That could be something amazing, breath-taking and what I've been lollygagging waitin' around for. You know it's good when the laughter is so intense you can't restrain it, when you're doubled over in giggles, over a whirl of excitement, inside jokes, movie quotage and pop culture references. When caps are a necessity, because typing "BWAHAHAHAHA" is more true in the moment than the subdued "lol."

"Yup, I've decided.. I'm pretty sure i could flirt with you all night." By all means, PLEASE DO.

Aaah, I am ridiculously excited. Nervous gervous but a bundle of dy-no-mite. What if I'm not as pretty in person as a photo he's seen and liked (assuming he likes any photos aah)? What if the real deal in person is too shy at first to captivate any interest? What if I regain those 10lbs I worked so hard to lose (halfway to my weight goal YEAH!)?! What if my freaking fracking wing woman can't come and I have to go alooone! Well that would be okay BUT STILL. What if, what if, what if. What if things work out? Then hot damn, this is the first thing I've gotten truly excited about in a really long time (even more excited than the Mr. Mister I started blogging about initially) and I'mma gonna do cartwheels on a lawn to celebrate. What if things don't work out? Then hot damn at least I know I can get excited again after Joe and DL/Mr. Mr. and I'm still gonna do cartwheels on a lawn. Or maybe hula hoop.

Also there are 2 other suspects that have shown interest, and can I just say: What The Eff. WTE. I just made that up. WTE MAN! I get nothing and then ALL of it, and for some girls that's cool because they're hot and already used to it, but I am sooooo not. The past year I've entered singledeom, I've experienced some things but nothing's stuck yet. I was gettin' a little jaded, then this excited guy comes along and I'm like "Whoa!" And then two interested ones come along and I'm like "Hm, well maybe" because I'm still overstruck by the Keanu Reeves "Whoa" from earlier. No one is going to get that but me! Hah! And I don't even have to explain it because I'm only writin' for me! Double hah! Hah hah! The perks of starting up a new blog without telling anyone. :D

Forgot to mention this mental sunshine I absorbed the past month: Don't rely on anyone else for happiness, make it happen yourself. Forgot about that. Glad I was reminded. :]

Was it over before it ever began

I am a grown woman. I do not have to apologize for every action or make excuses for not pleasing everyone.

Phew! That felt good.

Hot. Sick. Burnt. Need aloe vera in places I can't reach easily. 'Twould be really nice to have him here to reach them.

"I didn't know about tacos"
"Oh, are you coming tonight?"
"Yeah! Em just texted me about it!"
"Great!"

<3

I still remember the first time you called me beautiful. And the "key." MAN I gotz it bad! Somehow I don't mind this time. Somehow it's happy just thinking about it. Somehow I'll figure it all out, like I always do.

"He's a really good guy.."

P.S. Since Wednesday I've been trying to get a chance to see him alone. Wednesday night we mixed cellular signals, he fell asleep with my letters of recommendation. I was able to get them with the help of his mom, then take a nap at someone's house which I did not want to take a nap at (ack, long story), then wake up 2 hours after I was supposed to be at his house for tacos. Luckily they were still taco-makin'. Unluckily I was exhausted, he was exhausted, we all left at the same time and there was no opportunity to "tell" him. Next night I cancel my plans to go to a bon fire in order to potentially see him if he goes (perfect setting, hell-o). He can't show.

Perhaps this means it should not happen yet. That's okie! I haven't been able to really reconnect like I've wanted to. That Saturday night was how I've always wanted it to be.. Everyone is rooting for me. But then again everyone roots for the underdog. There's no need to fear, Underdog is here!

Time for adventure!

In the process of creating a character design based on a little boy who uses household items to dress up as an adventurer or superhero. Hmm, he needs something else. Maybe a pot for a shield or jump rope as a whip. He also looks a little too much like Carl as a kid in Up, but I think I can fix that when I paint him.

I wrote out a lot of contemplation about you know who just now, and really does it do any good to post it here? Well, to ask such a question would risk the existence of this blog, which hasn't even had time to dry and cure. Does it do any good to post crap in here? Yeah. You know why? Because I'm just talking to myself. I talk to myself on the rest of my blogs, but there's a chance people I know read 'em. There isn't a big chance people I know will find this, unless maybe they did some searching.

Anyway, this whole "steady as she goes" thing could all go downhill. If I look at it objectively, if the timing wasn't right.. what makes the timing right with this other girl? I bet because she's older. Hm, maybe. Maybe he just wants to wet his feet. Well wet your feet on me, damnit! Not literally, though, ew.

Oh, yeah, I'm supposed to have my Object-o-Vision Goggles on. Objectively, if the timing wasn't right then, the timing isn't right now. Objectively, I shouldn't do anything. Subjectively, I should grow some she balls already and ask him out. Let him know at least that I'm still interested, if he isn't then I'd like to just be buddies.

I don't want to be like my dear roommate, married at 24 and going through counseling in order to hold the falling pieces together. But I also don't want to be that person that feels like they weren't clear and didn't state their emotions because they were afraid the other person wouldn't want to hear them. Afraid. Why am I so afraid? It's not a big deal.

It just feels like the big, fat pink elephant in the room. Except we haven't been in the same room together long enough for me to tell if he wants to acknowledge it or not. And I've been on the other side of this situation before, and I found the best thing to do was just to avoid all communication -- even if I wanted to be friends with that person, usually it just felt too awkward because I could tell they still liked me, and it was too uncomfortable. "It's only awkward if you make it awkward." Thanks, Matt. Good phrase.

Dude. WTF is wrong with me. It's 3am, I have to finish this character and stop worrying about silliness. It'll all work out regardless.

Vita.. muffins?

Hm. Are they delicious? Are they nutricious? Will they be better than the real thing?

I always kinda liked the taste of some of the diet bars out there with a glass of water. Especially if they were chocolate, chocolate brownie or dark chocolate flavored. VitaTop Muffins might be just as good!

I forgot how I found this blog (Frisky.com maybe..?) Anyway, I try to check it everyday and this time Kim is giving something away, so I figured I'd try to enter. You can enter too, if you'd like!

You have to learn to understand the forces of your nature that are no longer appropriate to express

"Being human therefore means, that you are to some extent in charge of a destiny that you are given but do not entirely control."

Liike.

Heard a lot of "He's just an idiot if he dosen't see how great you are!" and "Aw, I was hoping he would wake up and open his eyes about you" lately. I definitely appreciate it, I mean it's of course very nice to hear that these people (some who I haven't even known that long) think these things, but then a part of me is sort of like "Wait a minute, if he's an idiot and I really like him, what does that say about me?!" haha. Juuuust kidding!

I know those sorts of statements are meant to cheer me up (not that I need cheering up but I really appreciate the sentiment behind it), but I never have really gotten them. Sort of like "Oh, well you're better off without him" or "His loss." First of all, it makes me want to defend "him" (that might just be the too-nice person inside of me) and secondly, I just don't get it. I mean I do, but it doesn't really make sense in my head, and I don't think it would be something I would really ever say to a friend myself. I can play casual (though I prefer to play for keeps if I really find something to treasure), but something about that side of thinking seems so.. flippant. Disposable. Rooting for me, on the other hand, is wholly appreciated. ;]

Oh my goodness, there is some scent of heavenly, scrumptious, amazing deliciousness wafting upstairs from the kitchen. I love the smell of food sometimes more than eating it! It's definitely confusing my brain, which I always find mildly amusing/intriguing/weird. My body is full but my head is telling me to eat because of the ol' olfactory sense getting tickled pink.

Instincts are telling me not necessarily to back off, but to practice a little bit of restraint. I guess those are the same thing in the end, haha. I want to be aggressive and want to go after something I care so deeply about, but there isn't any rush and I don't want to push whatever fragile reconnection (really a byproduct of finally meeting all of the friends, but whatevs) we've gained over the edge. It's clear that there's still something there, I can dig on that for now and steal whatever time I can get while I can get it.

I can't be mad at him for exploring other opportunities. I am shy, aloof, and will seem much more distant than I want to be or feel towards a person until a good chunk of time passes. The first relationship attests to that, most definitely.

I can't say I haven't tried dating and exploring other opportunities since things dwindled down. Hell, for New Year's Eve I flew to the other side of the nation in order to try something out with someone I've only spent 2 weeks with (and those 2 weeks happened 2 years ago). I've been on several dates, experienced strangers, friends of friends, potential best friends, and maybe a little flair of initial excitement. But that was about.. it. A little flair, maybe some nervousness. Nothing got very far, nothing lasted. In fact, the only sense of intimacy I reached with someone else only brought my endearing guy into mind. It was confusing because I hadn't thought of my endearing guy in awhile, he had said he had a date when we had last hung out (which was the last time I had seen him in 3-4ish months) so I didn't expect to be anything but buddies. I didn't expect to wake up in his bed a week later! God, the end of that night was amazing. That night was amazing!

This is sort of like when your teacher forgets that they were going to assign you homework, and it's a 50/50 if they'll forget and you'll jet off to the weekend/Spring Break homework-free, or if "that student" will perk up and remind the teacher in time.

"Well you don't have anything to worry about, one of the first things I noticed about you was your smile"

I'm not sure if I want other people to be able to see this! Well, I should correct that, I'm not sure if I want other people I know to see this (though if I were completely set in stone about that, I wouldn't have put my name on this page, d'oh).

You know why? I have genuine feelings for a wonderful, funny, smart, darling, uniquely charming and endlessly endearing man. I tried hating him and it didn't work. I tried detesting what he said and maybe I tricked myself for a few months, but our conversations came back to me and I remembered his warnings. He tried to tell me he wasn't ready, he tried to push me away. I tried convincing myself he didn't feel anything, but that didn't last long either.

I wish he would stop thinking, I wish he would just feel. I wish I could go up to him and kiss him. I wish I could close this laptop, get up from the couch, sneak back into bed and snuggle him to sleep. I wish I could take care of him when he gets sick, nod understandingly when he expresses the events of a stressful workday, do little surprises like bring him his favorite treat randomly at work or buy him something he's been eyeing/wanting to try, fix a solution he was worried about, share in his laughter, his interests, his passions. I want to giggle about chocolate covered bananas and people made up of words. I want to take him out and spoil him, love him, protect him, tell him I'll never break his heart and know he believes it.

But above all I just want him to be happy. I want him to fall head over heels, because he deserves it, because seems to have adopted (or maybe he has always been) a sort of lone wolf attitude. Not with everything, but there was always some shield up not letting me in and I didn't break it. If there's someone else better equipped, another woman who can give him that epitome of happiness, those moments when you can't stop smiling, that intensity you can't deny and that pull in the pit of your stomach and back of the throat. Those precious instances where tears and kisses aren't enough to express, when a smile can't expand wide enough, a hug can't be tight enough. A security knowing that if the world was turned upside down, you wouldn't have to face it alone. Someone would be there.

If another woman is better equipped to bring him joy, she should take precedence. If I have lost my chance, I would rather at least have him in a fraction of my life instead of subtracting him from the whole. I could survive it if I knew that she made him happy, but it's too early to tell.

You can say I'm asking to get hurt, you can disagree and tell me that I deserve better, that I shouldn't set aside or fight for time with someone that doesn't make me a priority. I sense that he knows, I can tell that he's thinking about phasing me out. It's okay. I'm not going to push. Believe me, I want to. Believe me, if a part of me was screaming inside to, I would.

This could be a good time to bring it up, or this could taint what fragile reconnection we've rewired. I have to search in my heart, I have to take my time. I can't stand not looking at that smile, but I also can't stand the thought of never seeing it again.

One fond embrace, Aloha'oe

I'm in the process of transferring all of my MySpace blogs over here, in an effort to create a cohesive whole to my digital representation/consciousness.

It's amazing to look back on a year, two years, three years in the span of 15 minutes. What I was like then, the things I thought were interesting, the people in my life.. everything is constantly evolving. Dates stick out like sore thumbs (see: October 16th, 2007 when I said goodbye to a loved one and hello to deployment; May 30th, 2008 as a wound to the chest; the fresh summer of 2010) whereas in other instances fond memories endear my heart to some that have faded away. I can still sometimes recall exactly what I was feeling when typing certain entries -- even events/emotions I meant to include but forgot in the cycle of edits. I wish I had a version of what each entry ended up to become and what I intended each entry to say, especially since it feels like most of my blogs morphed into something completely different than what I intended (like most of my art).

I am happy to accept change, whether it's for good or bad, because in the ultimate end, in the big picture of all of this, it's for the best. Stagnancy is unhealthy. At the same time, the unknown is a bit scary, a bit thrilling, even a bit sexy if you come across it in the right opportunity. In this ever-changing world in which we live in, I suppose I haven't gotten used to that funny feeling of loosing one's grip. It can be on many things -- your grip on reality, your grip on responsibility, love, loss, control. I feel most unease when I've lost grip of a perceived future, I suppose. On something I thought I could count on, someone I thought wanted to stick around, etc. It used to be fun to be loosey goosey, sometimes it still is, but perhaps with maturity comes a desire to be able to count on some sort of permanency. I always confused the "a" and the second "e" in that word!

In any case, rummaging through those old entries felt like meeting an old friend for coffee. Past loves, losses, encounters, job opportunities, betrayals, jokes, excitements, let downs, fresh experiences and giddy, whimsical tales. It felt like saying hello, reminiscing on the golden times, acknowledging the bad, reinforcing the lessons learned from each and leaving with a fond embrace. And maybe cheeks sore from laughing so hard. :]

I'm excited to stumble upon whatever I'm supposed to stumble upon, I'm excited to discover whatever is available to discover! Most of all I'm excited to learn, live, love and laugh! Bring it, life. ("Oh it's already been brought'en!")