How easy it is to let something go at times.
How easy it is to unneccessarily hold on.
Well Hell's Bells, I dunno. I keep on ah truckin' along. I don't know why other people do what they do. Why other people have kids and can't even muster up the effort to care for them. Why people start things they're unsure about and regret later. Why I still hold something with me at times that I've let go.
This sounds sad, partly because I am very lost in my artistic endeavors and budding/not-yet-started-because-I-can't-find-direction-in-school career. I'm immersing myself back into family in order to regain focus. Remember what I've been working so hard for the past 6+ years. Recharge, relax and reenergizer bunny! It also probably sounds sad because of some family drama I'm not involved in, but would love to help (unfortunately there isn't a whole lot I can do). And mostly, probably, because I stumbled across an old journal entry while cleaning out my computer 2 nights ago that really hit below the belt. I was so happy, so excited, asking so many questions, so into it, so blatantly unafraid to take the next steps (that ended when I saw I was the only one willing to step forward). I don't know, something about that one that I found struck a chord.
It's not that I'm better than someone else, BUT I am definitely better than this. It is normal, however, to have these instances flare up every so often, I think. I think it's part of the whole process.
Funny, how our experiences mold us. Curious, how our decisions follow us. I don't regret anything, though sometimes I regret giving him the benefit of the doubt. "He's a great guy." Man I hear that whenever anyone brings his name up, that's what everyone says, but I disagree, haha. That's just because I'm biased. Anywho! This doesn't bubble up very often anymore, which is a good sign. I have someone else who is just as excited, just as happy, just as loving and just as willing to take the next step as me. Freaking fracking "gettem I be sayin'" l-o-v-e it. Falling a little more and more with every interaction. :] Glad that we have some distance so I can sort of deal with this crap and not let it get in the way.
How weird, you know, something that lasted 3.5 years resolved completely and is remembered with a nostalgic fondness that I think everyone has with their first encounter with love. Love love, not infatuation. But then for something that lasted only a few months can have such a profoundly negative association in my brain. I have been the bigger person and put it aside, but I talked to the bf about it last night and would not like either of them to cross paths in my presence. At least for awhile, haha. I'm feeling a little uh.. too introspective lately. Time to go feeed my baby neice!
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"How weird, you know, something that lasted 3.5 years resolved completely and is remembered with a nostalgic fondness that I think everyone has with their first encounter with love."
ReplyDeleteSo true. I remember being 19 or so, fresh in the heartbreak of the end of my first relationship, bemoaning the pain I felt. My mom looked at me and said, "You always hold a candle for your first love."
OOOOOHHHHHHHHH but that PISSED ME OFF. Why the hell should I get to remember him and all of our relationship? He wouldn't do the same for me, undoubtedly, so why should I want to ever remember him? Fast forward here 12 years and I do think of him from time to time, but it's not in the same all-encompassing way. I don't just remember him and us, I remember all of life at that time. It's got the haze that comes from memory. The sharpness of the pain is almost sweet because it doesn't hurt anymore, but I remember the pain. Does that make sense? I know how badly I hurt, but the pain recedes a little at a time and one day you wake up and life is settled down and you're with the person you're supposed to be with. And then you look back and wonder what all the fuss was about, while at the same time remembering what the fuss was all about.
I know exactly how you feel! I think back on my first relationship remembering the pain, the lessons and the joy. And I'm grateful to have been a part of something that reached both sides of the emotional spectrum. Relationship are so jam-packed full of things to learn at the time and things to look back on and realize, and then things to learn to recognize in yourself for the next ride on the merry-go-round!
ReplyDelete"And then you look back and wonder what all the fuss was about, while at the same time remembering what the fuss was all about."
I love how you worded this, well put! I'm entering that stage now. I think what used to confuse me so much beforehand was how my first relationship was so easy to get over, but how some quick 2-3 month thing was sooo haaaaard to forget. Weirdly enough I met someone amazing through the fling, and I tell ya things just flow like buttah. It's making me all verklempt.
And I don't know why I wasn't notified about this comment and only found it now by stumbling upon old blog entries. Confounded, Raja!