I don't know what the point of this is, but I think that's kind of the fun part of it. Also I'm resisting the growing urge to grab something non-fruit and non-veggie (a.k.a. chips or cookies) to go nibble on, so a writing therapy session should be good for the soul right about now. Albeit not for the tummy.
I miss my life before October 22nd, 2010.
I have a headache. I have a heartache.
I've typed out 3 paragraphs and deleted them all. The first regarding my life pre-October 22nd and about to go into how I don't necessarily miss my ex or the relationship so much as my capacity for living, the second about the ex and the third about rasins.
I've found it difficult to string my thoughts together logically -- the magic filter in my brain that connects what I'm thinking to what I'm saying and blocks out all of the unnecessary stuff has fubar'd. Even my sentences are abhoringly, disgustingly run-on and cluttered. I feel as if I've been diluted.
Maybe I should write something on all of the stages I've gone through since losing my little brother. From screaming and extreme emotion, crying with strangers, relentless uncomfort in my own skin, not knowing what I believe in life anymore and the shock of being broken up with (even though, apparently we talked about it beforehand -- see the next example, short term memory loss) combined with unrooting my life and finding a way to replant it all again seemed too much at times. But it wasn't. We human beings have the capacity for more than we realize, and you dramatize and imagine something happening but until that hypothetical becomes reality there's no true understanding. No matter how great you are at imagining yourself in a situation.
Now the current struggle is a lack of focus. Lack of focus in conversation, lack of focus in life, in my long-term and short-term goals, in the people around me. Concentration be damned, I don't need it! Oh wait, I do? Fudge. Lack of motivation, as well. Incapacitated at life. I feel as if I'm freaking stunted, I can't do anything normally even though it seems like I'm normal on the outside. I just feel messed up: my body, my soul, my inner workings. Anxiety gets the best of me when optimism was formerly the majority, I don't recognize myself in the mirror anymore, I'm STILL in school at the age of 24 and after 7-8 years of college and I have no known tools to fix any of the problems I face in daily life. Something pops up and it sends me reeling over the anxiety attack cliff. Nothing pops up and I get depressed and fall deeper into my own private (Idaho) rabbit hole.
It's like I'm constantly out of breath, waiting for the race to slow down so I can catch up, but as I keep pushing and trying harder I fall further behind. There might be some glimmer of hope via some delayed deadline on a project for work, homework, having to get gas or someone understanding bits of my situation enough for me to feel a smidge of relief. But then the race picks back up and I start to feel like even gravity weighing me down is exhausting.
What do I do? (I'm just rambling stream of consciousness from now on to get it out.) Love? Lust? What do I do to keep on going? Nothing because we just keep on going anyway. How does this hurt inside go away? With time. What do I do when I feel as if I'm going to break from under it? Love. Why did these things happen to me? Why not?
I think losing a relationship after losing your little brother is a rare circumstance where erasing someone from your life would actually be beneficial and not have many repurcussions. I wish I had never met Devin. I am sure he is doing fantastic and that's great, I don't wish any harm for him in any way, I just think it was lose/lose for us to interact. Whatever lesson I was supposed to learn I could have easily learned from someone else with better timing, there was no reason for me to get my heart broken when my life was already broken.
See? Rambling. Is there any point to this? No, but there wasn't an intended point, which recycles back to me being frustrated at myself for not having a general pathway that this blog would follow. No general pathway makes it easier to start but harder to end.
I miss my family and my friends. I think this new place will work and be great. I miss being able to push myself and get shit done -- now I push myself and get minimal anything done of I'm lucky. I miss not complaining so goddamned much. I miss not being bitter or afraid or angry or hurt (at life, not at one particular person, though it manifests itself towards the people around me).
I wish I could take a soul-searching yearlong journey and just find myself again. Begin something and follow it through, meet some old wise people and learn to work hard again even if it's just sweeping the floor or on my hands and knees scrubbing. I want to be immersed in nature and learn to stop complaining again, I want to fully believe in.. anything. Anyone. How can I trust that anyone in my life is here for me like they say? I can, that's a lie. How can I trust anyone in the future will be here for me, if they say they will? How can I trust myself? I led myself to the situation I found myself in, in teh relationship and partly even with my little brother. I let things go a certain way and didn't do anything to stop them, okay, that's fine.. but what about what's next in life? How can I trust myself to make the right decisions when I so obviously failed?
It's the final countdown. Lost love and lives gone.
Bewildered. Bemused. Befuddled.
A pain-staking search. Agony.
Breathe in. Hurt. Breathe out. Ouch.
The air feels too thick, but somehow my lungs make it work.
Somehow I will make this work.
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Thursday, April 7, 2011
DC sleeps alone tonight
Life comes at you fast. It doesn't stop to offer a hand when it hits. It doesn't offer to take you out for coffee to catch up 3 years later, either.
I suppose there is always a question of why. Why did this happen? Why didn't this happen? Why did this happen at this time? Why, why, why? Why did I start this stupid thing? Create another fingerprint or thumb mark that no one but myself reads? There isn't any purpose or point, really, and this entity is another ignored link on my Firefox bookmark toolbar. But not everything needs a well-defined purpose to exist and not everything in life needs to make sense with the tools we have at the time to try to understand them.
Why am I skirting around the issue? This is ridiculous.
On October 22nd, 2010 my 18 year-old little brother died. I wish I could post some sort of time, but I don't know exactly when he passed away. Life changed entirely after I got that phone call from Mom, saying he was cold and blue. I don't think this type of experience leaves one very easily, and this may very well be one of the biggest life defining sections of my personal timeline.
A lot of things I thought I no longer think. For instance, I no longer think that I need anyone in life to be happy in any way. People are very nice to have around, but all you really *need* is yourself. Loved ones are a luxury, I suppose, albeit one of the best luxuries around. This is a combined result of pulling closer while pushing away as a family whole, and getting dumped 3 weeks after my little brother's passing. Everything in life becoming a series of mini or gigantic question marks as a result of the loss probably had something to do with it, too.
I started this thing to pour out what was inside my heart and head, because maybe I didn't feel like I had the appropriate outlet within the blend of relationships and activities in my life at the time. I was actually kind of bummed that something didn't work out with someone I had dated about a year or so before I made this blog, so I made the blog to empty my insides. I empty my insides on the internet all of the time, but having something I know no one else I know knows exist felt sort of liberating. Ya know? I didn't get that closure and I created this as a means to try to fabricate that closure. Interestingly enough, the guy I dated briefly and encouraged some of these initial posts has become a solid pillar of a friend and I've since found closure via long talks about shared and not-so-shared philosophies of life.
Really it wasn't a big deal. I'm a grown up, I understand not everything is going to work for the right reasons even though I wanted to. I moved on and such, but I felt like I was still stuck somewhere -- like I had ran through a muddy field and part of my shoe got caught in the process and I was caught looking back in slow motion, barely starting to notice. Or maybe more similar to that nagging feeling in the back of your head that you forgot something, until you get home from work and open the fridge and realize you forgot to pick up milk.
So I made this blog.
Now perhaps I pursue this digital jurisdiction in hopes of finding closure on a bigger hill -- a Mount Everest of sorts. A mountain to end all mountains that makes my jaw drop, cartoon character style, when I look up to the tippy, white marshmallow capped top. Where's that gatling gun when I need it, or MacGyver modified rocker launcher that shoots spears entwined with rope that I can use to climb up?
I know I can put one foot forward and continue on with life because I already have, I know sometimes I don't necessarily want to do it. I miss how life was before October 22nd, but before I think I missed everything about how life was, and now I realize parts of it were a lie. I sacrificed and gave myself too much to That Thing Called Love, because I felt it and the other person didn't. Sometime in November it all came to a head, one way or another, and I only wish he had worked up the ca-hones to do it earlier instead of bleed things out painfully.
Anyway, perhaps this will turn into a purely therapeutic exercise while I'm waiting to get into therapy. I share feelings, emotions and inner turmoils with close loved ones but there's always a 65% chance of failure of some sort -- whether there's a failure to communicate, interpret, analyze or discuss. Sometimes I can't sleep and I just want someone to talk to, but when I wake up and find one of my roommates awake they try to give me advice as if they've experienced the lost of a sibling and relationship and know what to do. As if they've been in my shoes and know any better. Sometimes I would rather hear "I'm sorry"s or an attempt to cheer me up or distract me than fold out directions on the next steps I have to take, and how I need to just get over these hurdles and move on with my life. On the other hand, sometimes I get the "I'm sorry this happened to you"s and the "Allow me to distract you whilest I cheer you up and pretend like I didn't hear any deep emotion in what you just said" and I really don't want it.
The fact of the matter is that there isn't one person or thing that can help. Nothing will bring my little brother back and that's what hurts the most. I don't care so much about the ex-boyfriend -- if anything that just complicates things because my emotional processing is sometimes so different than it would be if that relationship had ended sooner or was still continuing. That was just bad timing overall and will be gone in a flash compared to how long it will take me to learn to live without one of my best friends since birth. It's impossible to explain your connection with someone and do it complete justice when they've never met that other person.
In some ways I look for a quick fix but deep down know there isn't any. I'm potentially doing horribly in school, not showing up to work on time since I've come back, moving for the third time in 3 months, moving my last family member that lived by me (Mom) up to the rest of the family members in the northern area of my state and trying not to tell myself that being alone isn't going to be hard, wanting so badly to feel the thrill of love to take my aching away, wishing I was ready to start treating people better in my life and hoping that the people that matter won't hold it against me when I bail out on social occasions that I suggested or give into the paralyzing social/phone anxiety I've developed since this has happened.
It is hard to tell people about the loss of concentration, lack of focus and impossibility to self-discipline at the moment. It is so much easier to push on and allow people, for the most part, to not worry too much about me because I put on a "I'm doing better than I seem" mask. Partly because sometimes I am doing better than I seem, and also partly because even if I'm not doing better than I seem, there's a huge chance they won't be able to help. And this is coming from the girl that used to make everyone in their life talk about what was bothering them at the time because "talking about it" was so important.
I want to be forgotten about but I don't want to be forgotten. I want people to treat me normally, as if this hasn't happened, yet I want them to not forget it happened to me. I want to go out on dates and find someone to get close to because being with someone would probably be kind of nice right now, but I know I'm either not ready or just frankly not interested. That previous sentence could be summed up as "I want to be with someone but I would rather not have to focus on anyone else other than myself right now." I want to lose the weight my body gained as a result of eating normally after only eating 0.5 - 1 meal a day from mid-October to January.. but I also want to splurge in the comfort of food sometimes. I want to run and keep up my exercise/diet regimen but a huge part of me wishes I could just stay in bed for 3 weeks and cry all of this out.
Unfortunately, though, life comes at you fast. And there is no pause button. This is all just another matter of one foot in front of the other, one minute of each day at a time, until I'm looking down from the white-capped, gooey marshmallowy-ness and have already eaten 2 s'mores.
I suppose there is always a question of why. Why did this happen? Why didn't this happen? Why did this happen at this time? Why, why, why? Why did I start this stupid thing? Create another fingerprint or thumb mark that no one but myself reads? There isn't any purpose or point, really, and this entity is another ignored link on my Firefox bookmark toolbar. But not everything needs a well-defined purpose to exist and not everything in life needs to make sense with the tools we have at the time to try to understand them.
Why am I skirting around the issue? This is ridiculous.
On October 22nd, 2010 my 18 year-old little brother died. I wish I could post some sort of time, but I don't know exactly when he passed away. Life changed entirely after I got that phone call from Mom, saying he was cold and blue. I don't think this type of experience leaves one very easily, and this may very well be one of the biggest life defining sections of my personal timeline.
A lot of things I thought I no longer think. For instance, I no longer think that I need anyone in life to be happy in any way. People are very nice to have around, but all you really *need* is yourself. Loved ones are a luxury, I suppose, albeit one of the best luxuries around. This is a combined result of pulling closer while pushing away as a family whole, and getting dumped 3 weeks after my little brother's passing. Everything in life becoming a series of mini or gigantic question marks as a result of the loss probably had something to do with it, too.
I started this thing to pour out what was inside my heart and head, because maybe I didn't feel like I had the appropriate outlet within the blend of relationships and activities in my life at the time. I was actually kind of bummed that something didn't work out with someone I had dated about a year or so before I made this blog, so I made the blog to empty my insides. I empty my insides on the internet all of the time, but having something I know no one else I know knows exist felt sort of liberating. Ya know? I didn't get that closure and I created this as a means to try to fabricate that closure. Interestingly enough, the guy I dated briefly and encouraged some of these initial posts has become a solid pillar of a friend and I've since found closure via long talks about shared and not-so-shared philosophies of life.
Really it wasn't a big deal. I'm a grown up, I understand not everything is going to work for the right reasons even though I wanted to. I moved on and such, but I felt like I was still stuck somewhere -- like I had ran through a muddy field and part of my shoe got caught in the process and I was caught looking back in slow motion, barely starting to notice. Or maybe more similar to that nagging feeling in the back of your head that you forgot something, until you get home from work and open the fridge and realize you forgot to pick up milk.
So I made this blog.
Now perhaps I pursue this digital jurisdiction in hopes of finding closure on a bigger hill -- a Mount Everest of sorts. A mountain to end all mountains that makes my jaw drop, cartoon character style, when I look up to the tippy, white marshmallow capped top. Where's that gatling gun when I need it, or MacGyver modified rocker launcher that shoots spears entwined with rope that I can use to climb up?
I know I can put one foot forward and continue on with life because I already have, I know sometimes I don't necessarily want to do it. I miss how life was before October 22nd, but before I think I missed everything about how life was, and now I realize parts of it were a lie. I sacrificed and gave myself too much to That Thing Called Love, because I felt it and the other person didn't. Sometime in November it all came to a head, one way or another, and I only wish he had worked up the ca-hones to do it earlier instead of bleed things out painfully.
Anyway, perhaps this will turn into a purely therapeutic exercise while I'm waiting to get into therapy. I share feelings, emotions and inner turmoils with close loved ones but there's always a 65% chance of failure of some sort -- whether there's a failure to communicate, interpret, analyze or discuss. Sometimes I can't sleep and I just want someone to talk to, but when I wake up and find one of my roommates awake they try to give me advice as if they've experienced the lost of a sibling and relationship and know what to do. As if they've been in my shoes and know any better. Sometimes I would rather hear "I'm sorry"s or an attempt to cheer me up or distract me than fold out directions on the next steps I have to take, and how I need to just get over these hurdles and move on with my life. On the other hand, sometimes I get the "I'm sorry this happened to you"s and the "Allow me to distract you whilest I cheer you up and pretend like I didn't hear any deep emotion in what you just said" and I really don't want it.
The fact of the matter is that there isn't one person or thing that can help. Nothing will bring my little brother back and that's what hurts the most. I don't care so much about the ex-boyfriend -- if anything that just complicates things because my emotional processing is sometimes so different than it would be if that relationship had ended sooner or was still continuing. That was just bad timing overall and will be gone in a flash compared to how long it will take me to learn to live without one of my best friends since birth. It's impossible to explain your connection with someone and do it complete justice when they've never met that other person.
In some ways I look for a quick fix but deep down know there isn't any. I'm potentially doing horribly in school, not showing up to work on time since I've come back, moving for the third time in 3 months, moving my last family member that lived by me (Mom) up to the rest of the family members in the northern area of my state and trying not to tell myself that being alone isn't going to be hard, wanting so badly to feel the thrill of love to take my aching away, wishing I was ready to start treating people better in my life and hoping that the people that matter won't hold it against me when I bail out on social occasions that I suggested or give into the paralyzing social/phone anxiety I've developed since this has happened.
It is hard to tell people about the loss of concentration, lack of focus and impossibility to self-discipline at the moment. It is so much easier to push on and allow people, for the most part, to not worry too much about me because I put on a "I'm doing better than I seem" mask. Partly because sometimes I am doing better than I seem, and also partly because even if I'm not doing better than I seem, there's a huge chance they won't be able to help. And this is coming from the girl that used to make everyone in their life talk about what was bothering them at the time because "talking about it" was so important.
I want to be forgotten about but I don't want to be forgotten. I want people to treat me normally, as if this hasn't happened, yet I want them to not forget it happened to me. I want to go out on dates and find someone to get close to because being with someone would probably be kind of nice right now, but I know I'm either not ready or just frankly not interested. That previous sentence could be summed up as "I want to be with someone but I would rather not have to focus on anyone else other than myself right now." I want to lose the weight my body gained as a result of eating normally after only eating 0.5 - 1 meal a day from mid-October to January.. but I also want to splurge in the comfort of food sometimes. I want to run and keep up my exercise/diet regimen but a huge part of me wishes I could just stay in bed for 3 weeks and cry all of this out.
Unfortunately, though, life comes at you fast. And there is no pause button. This is all just another matter of one foot in front of the other, one minute of each day at a time, until I'm looking down from the white-capped, gooey marshmallowy-ness and have already eaten 2 s'mores.
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