"Well you don't have anything to worry about, one of the first things I noticed about you was your smile"

I'm not sure if I want other people to be able to see this! Well, I should correct that, I'm not sure if I want other people I know to see this (though if I were completely set in stone about that, I wouldn't have put my name on this page, d'oh).

You know why? I have genuine feelings for a wonderful, funny, smart, darling, uniquely charming and endlessly endearing man. I tried hating him and it didn't work. I tried detesting what he said and maybe I tricked myself for a few months, but our conversations came back to me and I remembered his warnings. He tried to tell me he wasn't ready, he tried to push me away. I tried convincing myself he didn't feel anything, but that didn't last long either.

I wish he would stop thinking, I wish he would just feel. I wish I could go up to him and kiss him. I wish I could close this laptop, get up from the couch, sneak back into bed and snuggle him to sleep. I wish I could take care of him when he gets sick, nod understandingly when he expresses the events of a stressful workday, do little surprises like bring him his favorite treat randomly at work or buy him something he's been eyeing/wanting to try, fix a solution he was worried about, share in his laughter, his interests, his passions. I want to giggle about chocolate covered bananas and people made up of words. I want to take him out and spoil him, love him, protect him, tell him I'll never break his heart and know he believes it.

But above all I just want him to be happy. I want him to fall head over heels, because he deserves it, because seems to have adopted (or maybe he has always been) a sort of lone wolf attitude. Not with everything, but there was always some shield up not letting me in and I didn't break it. If there's someone else better equipped, another woman who can give him that epitome of happiness, those moments when you can't stop smiling, that intensity you can't deny and that pull in the pit of your stomach and back of the throat. Those precious instances where tears and kisses aren't enough to express, when a smile can't expand wide enough, a hug can't be tight enough. A security knowing that if the world was turned upside down, you wouldn't have to face it alone. Someone would be there.

If another woman is better equipped to bring him joy, she should take precedence. If I have lost my chance, I would rather at least have him in a fraction of my life instead of subtracting him from the whole. I could survive it if I knew that she made him happy, but it's too early to tell.

You can say I'm asking to get hurt, you can disagree and tell me that I deserve better, that I shouldn't set aside or fight for time with someone that doesn't make me a priority. I sense that he knows, I can tell that he's thinking about phasing me out. It's okay. I'm not going to push. Believe me, I want to. Believe me, if a part of me was screaming inside to, I would.

This could be a good time to bring it up, or this could taint what fragile reconnection we've rewired. I have to search in my heart, I have to take my time. I can't stand not looking at that smile, but I also can't stand the thought of never seeing it again.