She said can you remember me, I'm the one that picked the apple tree

I'm going to go out here on a limb and say that this has good potential. I'm also going to cower back from that limb and say I am afraid of getting hurt again.

How can I say this? The last thing that came by way and made me this excited died down. The last time I felt this giddy and blushed this much, it only lasted for 2-3 months. I was really into it, I liked the person a lot, I looked forward to every IM and weekend spent at his house. But there came a point where we disconnected, shit hit the fan, I wasn't let in and there's something.. there. Something underneath all of those layers that still bothers me about it. I suppose in the end I wondered why someone would start a first kiss and begin something so amazing without wanting to see what could become of it. I suppose it's because I never got to argue, I just took it as it was. I suppose it's also because I didn't get a chance to unwind, relax, get comfortable with them enough for, in my opinion, them to tell if I had staying power. Maybe not. Maybe they could see past it all.

Let's see what else. The last time something lasted an entire weekend, my excitement level only lasted a week or two. I was all into it and then I lost it. We got to know each other more and I wasn't really all that giddy about who I uncovered underneath.

What I'm trying to say is I don't want this to be like one of the other times. I don't want this to be like any of the other times! I'm not saying that this new guy has to be the end all, but I am saying that he's pretty amazing and seems like the type of person I have been looking for in a significant other for awhile. If I've learned anything from my past relationship, it's what works and doesn't work for me in certain scenarios -- and this one is showing some lasting potential.

I'm excited but I feel I'm also holding myself back. God I've been ready for a good relationship for a year now and something like this falls into place and weirdly tumbles into our laps. I am so relieved I'm not the only one excited. I am sooo nervous. I am soo still not comfortable in my own skin (almost in the 120s though, only 3 lbs away yay).

I'm worried about making this out to be something better than it is. I am worried about losing interest. I am worried in him losing interest. I am worried it will die out before getting a nice, steady blaze going.. but I am really, really glad that this is happening. :] I hope I can push past all of this bullshit enough to show him something worth sticking around for. Something worth coming back to. We'll see, let's not get ahead of ourselves. But if it feels right, let's freefall.

Winner winner, chicken dinner

W-I-N. So much FULL of win that I cannot even possibly describe the win. Except to say, of course, that it is safe to assume a win. WIN.

This weekend wins 'cause the first date wins. Won! Won, yes. That makes much more sense.

I have a sketchbook that isn't even halfway filled up due Thursday. TWO colored pencil shebangs due Wednesday. This week is gonna knock me down, but I'mma get right back up and keep on fighting. WHY?! Because I GOTTA!

Four more days 'til I get to see him again! This will be good.

You could be the queen, and I would be the king

Let me do something I don't normally do, and recommend music. Jamin Wilcox is the drummer (or was, maybe) of one of my favorite bands, Under the Influence of Giants. All of the UTIOG members have broken off and started to experiment flying solo, which I'm not a huge fan of since that usually means an eventual break up, though some of the results have been splendid. Like Jamin's songs.

So excited for this weekend! I will not get ahead of myself on this one. I will not get ahead of myself on this one. Repeat after me, self. I will not get ahead of myself! Self!

There's always this wall that you hit in the semester, as a college student. Or perhaps it's only for creative-based studies, but there's always this make it or break it wall. I'm not saying I'm not making it, but it's taking me much longer to crack through that wall -- before I would have already gotten through but now I'm barely making a dent. I've handled tougher projects under more strenuous deadlines with a heavier workload ON TOP of personal issues (e.g. deployment/divorce/moving combo), this semester is not that tough, why does it feel so tough?

At first I started wondering if I'm getting artistically lazy. But then my Friday class always inspires me to work as hard as I can, and I stay late in order to keep on drawing on those days.. I think I'm starting to get a little worn out. I don't know, I shouldn't get worn out, I should be able to handle this if I'm passionate enough about it and want to pursue it in the real world. Then again, in the real world, I wouldn't necessarily be juggling 12-15 units with a job.

Maybe it's because I'm not going to be tracing everything in graphite, and I'm just burnt out of my graphite/colored pencil class, haha.

Well, I'm not going to worry about it, despite the fact that I probably will worry at least a little. My plate is full, but I've filled up larger plates and felt more efficient. I was getting like this this time last year, and then summer hit and it was glorious and I was single and discovering myself all over again. Maybe I need to skip the second job and just live. All work and no play make Shana go something something. GO CRAZY?! Don't mind if I do!

(I will not get ahead of myself. Eep, so excited though. What am I gonna weaaar, I don't want to look like I'm trying too hard, but I do, but who cares I want to be pretty, but he should think I'm pretty anyway if this is going anywhere else, aaaah okay. Back to sanity.)

Ah-ah-aaaaah-choo!

I have not been able to stop sneezing and sniffling for the life of me! What is this, some sort of weird sickly hang over? Re-tarded. It should be noted that since leaving the dog-infested area, sniffling and sneezing activity seems to have died down significantly. Irregardless, girls night was a lot of fun. :]

Let's dig deep into the subconscious levels and peel away the metaphorical onion layers for a bit. To be frank, I need to stop being ridiculously shy not only around new guys, now, but new girlfriends. I haven't had this sort of shyness with girls that I know will be great girlfriends until recently, and I'm thinking it's because of the weight gain and reasons my last relationship ended. (It doesn't help that I act so silly/social online and then take 2-3 hang-out periods before I work up to being comfortable around someone new.)

The weight gain is silly, I went from a size 2 to a size 6 in a few months after some emotional pile ups last year.. I've been going back to the ol' size 2 body slowly but surely. Already I'm down to 132, which is 10lbs lighter than when I started! My goal is to be in the mid-120s by late May (my birthday), and I'm guessing from there I will fit into my size 2s and 4s again. I'm not focused on the actual weight number, but it does help me get a frame of reference for how much longer I have to go to get back to "normal."

And now, the previous relationship scars.. See, the last boyfriend was a good one. Things started out really great, things progressed so fluidly that I don't think either of us realized what was happening until we woke up one day and realized we'd been together for 2-3 years. Know what illicited that 4am phone call? The Marines. He got deployed, we moved in together before he left, I got roommates to pay rent while he was gone, he came home, things were supposed to be like they were before he left. But they weren't. He had something with my best friend and roommate going on behind my back at the time, I went to Hawaii, and we held the pieces for a year after he got back before having to call it quits. We're still good friends to this day.

Irregardless of what happened with Joe, the Marine, I think what has scarred me most is what happened with Michelle, the former best friend. We've all patched things up since, but perhaps there is some underlying hesitancy towards females because of what happened. In the back of my mind I think my subconscious starts to wonder, "Is she going to pretend to be my best friend and screw me over later on?" when I'm having a conversation with a great gal that I jive with in that best friend manner. That's why I gravitated towards guys. I've never gravitated towards guys, even as a kid I was too shy to ask Zach Edlow to play foursquare! WTF.

Well anyway.. we had a girls night last night that turned into a girls morning and girls afternoon, and we all noted many times that we have very good potential to become the best of friends. We all jive, we all had fun, we all laughed. But I was the most quiet. I don't like being the quiet one. I am comfortable with it but I don't always like it. And then this morning and afternoon, I was sniffling and sneezing too much to even really pay attention to the conversation. Luckily I am 70% sure that the ladies understood, but there are always those first hang outs where if nothing is initiated afterwards, things start to die down. Sort of like that second date potential window that always happens after the first.. though I think with friendships it's more low key.

Anywho I hope that this won't be one of those times where I look back and go "I should have gotten to know them better before so-and-so moved away" or "Why didn't we hang out more when we always said we would." Also I am exciiiited for next weekend because it is the first date with the new guy/prime suspect AND the night before I will get to hang out with one of the other potentials. Another potential wants to do something too but I think that might be a little too much for one weekend.

Again, since when did guys start liking me? Uh, yeah I don't know!