It's Friday, I'm in love.

Update: Loving life. In love. In life.

So often in my other blogs I feel like I just state how I feel instead of putting emotion into something. I wonder if that's a tendency or just something about sitting down at the computer screen and suddenly feeling overwhelmed at the jumble of words and sentence combinations that flow out of the mental faucet. Not to mention the overflow of tangencies that proceed thereafter and not wholly understanding how the puzzle will fit into place.

Was I born scatterbrained or is that just some funky left-handed thing?

I gotta paint or create. There was a cloud of desaturation infiltrating my vision -- slowly at first and then seeping into almost everything. I started going through life as an ant, as they say, dulled and on auto-pilot. And I think that's unavoidable, to a certain extent you always have to be able to have that ability in order to survive sometimes, because maybe all you're focused on is surviving. Just because you posses human emotion doesn't mean you want to acknowledge, activate or expend it. There was a chunk of last year where I was dazed and haphazardly trying to keep up without any passion for what I was doing or what was happening around me. Me, me, me. I, I, I. Ugh, blogging sounds so selfish at times.

Color is returning, vivid clarity and sharp details have zoomed into focus. So I don't know what I want to do with my life, who cares? I'm taking steps to do what I love and make that work. Why is everything in my brain based on having the answers. Why can't it just be about living and being happy and grateful for the opportunity to take a breath, and occasionally increase a small area's carbon dioxide levels with a great debate? Or a pause to see the twinkle in someone's eye as they fondly share a sunny memory? A small portion of their lives that they will carry forever, calling upon in times of need, reassurance, self-deprecating or self-enlightening.

There's some cheesy quote about going through life waiting for that moment to happen when the right conditions are met to be happy and missing all of the opportunities to be happy along the way. I don't know. I don't get truly inspired often and so often I've been too busy to clench my teeth into it. Maybe it's time to put that to use instead of ignoring it for the sake of "real life"/obligations. Maybe that's what I'm supposed to do, is follow that inspiration and see where it takes me.

In other news, yes! In love! Can I shout it? Oh man. Please? Okay!

Damnit Jim, I'm a doctor not a pool man!

How easy it is to let something go at times.
How easy it is to unneccessarily hold on.

Well Hell's Bells, I dunno. I keep on ah truckin' along. I don't know why other people do what they do. Why other people have kids and can't even muster up the effort to care for them. Why people start things they're unsure about and regret later. Why I still hold something with me at times that I've let go.

This sounds sad, partly because I am very lost in my artistic endeavors and budding/not-yet-started-because-I-can't-find-direction-in-school career. I'm immersing myself back into family in order to regain focus. Remember what I've been working so hard for the past 6+ years. Recharge, relax and reenergizer bunny! It also probably sounds sad because of some family drama I'm not involved in, but would love to help (unfortunately there isn't a whole lot I can do). And mostly, probably, because I stumbled across an old journal entry while cleaning out my computer 2 nights ago that really hit below the belt. I was so happy, so excited, asking so many questions, so into it, so blatantly unafraid to take the next steps (that ended when I saw I was the only one willing to step forward). I don't know, something about that one that I found struck a chord.

It's not that I'm better than someone else, BUT I am definitely better than this. It is normal, however, to have these instances flare up every so often, I think. I think it's part of the whole process.

Funny, how our experiences mold us. Curious, how our decisions follow us. I don't regret anything, though sometimes I regret giving him the benefit of the doubt. "He's a great guy." Man I hear that whenever anyone brings his name up, that's what everyone says, but I disagree, haha. That's just because I'm biased. Anywho! This doesn't bubble up very often anymore, which is a good sign. I have someone else who is just as excited, just as happy, just as loving and just as willing to take the next step as me. Freaking fracking "gettem I be sayin'" l-o-v-e it. Falling a little more and more with every interaction. :] Glad that we have some distance so I can sort of deal with this crap and not let it get in the way.

How weird, you know, something that lasted 3.5 years resolved completely and is remembered with a nostalgic fondness that I think everyone has with their first encounter with love. Love love, not infatuation. But then for something that lasted only a few months can have such a profoundly negative association in my brain. I have been the bigger person and put it aside, but I talked to the bf about it last night and would not like either of them to cross paths in my presence. At least for awhile, haha. I'm feeling a little uh.. too introspective lately. Time to go feeed my baby neice!

She said can you remember me, I'm the one that picked the apple tree

I'm going to go out here on a limb and say that this has good potential. I'm also going to cower back from that limb and say I am afraid of getting hurt again.

How can I say this? The last thing that came by way and made me this excited died down. The last time I felt this giddy and blushed this much, it only lasted for 2-3 months. I was really into it, I liked the person a lot, I looked forward to every IM and weekend spent at his house. But there came a point where we disconnected, shit hit the fan, I wasn't let in and there's something.. there. Something underneath all of those layers that still bothers me about it. I suppose in the end I wondered why someone would start a first kiss and begin something so amazing without wanting to see what could become of it. I suppose it's because I never got to argue, I just took it as it was. I suppose it's also because I didn't get a chance to unwind, relax, get comfortable with them enough for, in my opinion, them to tell if I had staying power. Maybe not. Maybe they could see past it all.

Let's see what else. The last time something lasted an entire weekend, my excitement level only lasted a week or two. I was all into it and then I lost it. We got to know each other more and I wasn't really all that giddy about who I uncovered underneath.

What I'm trying to say is I don't want this to be like one of the other times. I don't want this to be like any of the other times! I'm not saying that this new guy has to be the end all, but I am saying that he's pretty amazing and seems like the type of person I have been looking for in a significant other for awhile. If I've learned anything from my past relationship, it's what works and doesn't work for me in certain scenarios -- and this one is showing some lasting potential.

I'm excited but I feel I'm also holding myself back. God I've been ready for a good relationship for a year now and something like this falls into place and weirdly tumbles into our laps. I am so relieved I'm not the only one excited. I am sooo nervous. I am soo still not comfortable in my own skin (almost in the 120s though, only 3 lbs away yay).

I'm worried about making this out to be something better than it is. I am worried about losing interest. I am worried in him losing interest. I am worried it will die out before getting a nice, steady blaze going.. but I am really, really glad that this is happening. :] I hope I can push past all of this bullshit enough to show him something worth sticking around for. Something worth coming back to. We'll see, let's not get ahead of ourselves. But if it feels right, let's freefall.

Winner winner, chicken dinner

W-I-N. So much FULL of win that I cannot even possibly describe the win. Except to say, of course, that it is safe to assume a win. WIN.

This weekend wins 'cause the first date wins. Won! Won, yes. That makes much more sense.

I have a sketchbook that isn't even halfway filled up due Thursday. TWO colored pencil shebangs due Wednesday. This week is gonna knock me down, but I'mma get right back up and keep on fighting. WHY?! Because I GOTTA!

Four more days 'til I get to see him again! This will be good.

You could be the queen, and I would be the king

Let me do something I don't normally do, and recommend music. Jamin Wilcox is the drummer (or was, maybe) of one of my favorite bands, Under the Influence of Giants. All of the UTIOG members have broken off and started to experiment flying solo, which I'm not a huge fan of since that usually means an eventual break up, though some of the results have been splendid. Like Jamin's songs.

So excited for this weekend! I will not get ahead of myself on this one. I will not get ahead of myself on this one. Repeat after me, self. I will not get ahead of myself! Self!

There's always this wall that you hit in the semester, as a college student. Or perhaps it's only for creative-based studies, but there's always this make it or break it wall. I'm not saying I'm not making it, but it's taking me much longer to crack through that wall -- before I would have already gotten through but now I'm barely making a dent. I've handled tougher projects under more strenuous deadlines with a heavier workload ON TOP of personal issues (e.g. deployment/divorce/moving combo), this semester is not that tough, why does it feel so tough?

At first I started wondering if I'm getting artistically lazy. But then my Friday class always inspires me to work as hard as I can, and I stay late in order to keep on drawing on those days.. I think I'm starting to get a little worn out. I don't know, I shouldn't get worn out, I should be able to handle this if I'm passionate enough about it and want to pursue it in the real world. Then again, in the real world, I wouldn't necessarily be juggling 12-15 units with a job.

Maybe it's because I'm not going to be tracing everything in graphite, and I'm just burnt out of my graphite/colored pencil class, haha.

Well, I'm not going to worry about it, despite the fact that I probably will worry at least a little. My plate is full, but I've filled up larger plates and felt more efficient. I was getting like this this time last year, and then summer hit and it was glorious and I was single and discovering myself all over again. Maybe I need to skip the second job and just live. All work and no play make Shana go something something. GO CRAZY?! Don't mind if I do!

(I will not get ahead of myself. Eep, so excited though. What am I gonna weaaar, I don't want to look like I'm trying too hard, but I do, but who cares I want to be pretty, but he should think I'm pretty anyway if this is going anywhere else, aaaah okay. Back to sanity.)

Ah-ah-aaaaah-choo!

I have not been able to stop sneezing and sniffling for the life of me! What is this, some sort of weird sickly hang over? Re-tarded. It should be noted that since leaving the dog-infested area, sniffling and sneezing activity seems to have died down significantly. Irregardless, girls night was a lot of fun. :]

Let's dig deep into the subconscious levels and peel away the metaphorical onion layers for a bit. To be frank, I need to stop being ridiculously shy not only around new guys, now, but new girlfriends. I haven't had this sort of shyness with girls that I know will be great girlfriends until recently, and I'm thinking it's because of the weight gain and reasons my last relationship ended. (It doesn't help that I act so silly/social online and then take 2-3 hang-out periods before I work up to being comfortable around someone new.)

The weight gain is silly, I went from a size 2 to a size 6 in a few months after some emotional pile ups last year.. I've been going back to the ol' size 2 body slowly but surely. Already I'm down to 132, which is 10lbs lighter than when I started! My goal is to be in the mid-120s by late May (my birthday), and I'm guessing from there I will fit into my size 2s and 4s again. I'm not focused on the actual weight number, but it does help me get a frame of reference for how much longer I have to go to get back to "normal."

And now, the previous relationship scars.. See, the last boyfriend was a good one. Things started out really great, things progressed so fluidly that I don't think either of us realized what was happening until we woke up one day and realized we'd been together for 2-3 years. Know what illicited that 4am phone call? The Marines. He got deployed, we moved in together before he left, I got roommates to pay rent while he was gone, he came home, things were supposed to be like they were before he left. But they weren't. He had something with my best friend and roommate going on behind my back at the time, I went to Hawaii, and we held the pieces for a year after he got back before having to call it quits. We're still good friends to this day.

Irregardless of what happened with Joe, the Marine, I think what has scarred me most is what happened with Michelle, the former best friend. We've all patched things up since, but perhaps there is some underlying hesitancy towards females because of what happened. In the back of my mind I think my subconscious starts to wonder, "Is she going to pretend to be my best friend and screw me over later on?" when I'm having a conversation with a great gal that I jive with in that best friend manner. That's why I gravitated towards guys. I've never gravitated towards guys, even as a kid I was too shy to ask Zach Edlow to play foursquare! WTF.

Well anyway.. we had a girls night last night that turned into a girls morning and girls afternoon, and we all noted many times that we have very good potential to become the best of friends. We all jive, we all had fun, we all laughed. But I was the most quiet. I don't like being the quiet one. I am comfortable with it but I don't always like it. And then this morning and afternoon, I was sniffling and sneezing too much to even really pay attention to the conversation. Luckily I am 70% sure that the ladies understood, but there are always those first hang outs where if nothing is initiated afterwards, things start to die down. Sort of like that second date potential window that always happens after the first.. though I think with friendships it's more low key.

Anywho I hope that this won't be one of those times where I look back and go "I should have gotten to know them better before so-and-so moved away" or "Why didn't we hang out more when we always said we would." Also I am exciiiited for next weekend because it is the first date with the new guy/prime suspect AND the night before I will get to hang out with one of the other potentials. Another potential wants to do something too but I think that might be a little too much for one weekend.

Again, since when did guys start liking me? Uh, yeah I don't know!

Wishing you, I'm not the one for you, you're not the one for me, and I can't stand it

Hmmm. Hm, hm, hmm. I've neglected this little area of the Internet! Ten days in Internet time is like a month in real time. I swear, in the only instance where I was able to stay off of Facebook for a few weeks, I had messages, wall posts and texts up the wahoo asking me if I was okay because people thought there was something wrong. I don't know if that speaks to the caliber of my Facebook friends or the extremity of my Facebook addiction, haha!

You know there's always that feeling you get in the beginning of something. There's always that excitedness, there's always those butterflies, flounders, I-feel-like-I'm-awkwardly-moving-in-slow-motion-in-front-of-you moments followed by I-can't-stop-smiling moments (assuming we're having a good time). And then there are always those feelings at the end of something. Those unsure, wavering hypotheses as to why it didn't work out. If you're like me you take the mental film reel you kept recording all of those moments together and inspect for any signs of damage or wear and tear.

Unfortunately I do this for short-term relationships as well as long term, e.g. something that lasted a few months AND something that lasted 3 and 1/2 years. And it serves to make me pretty dense at times, haha. Its okay. I'm just a sensitive, silly gal. Someone I met and went on a few dates with, George, told me, "Wow, you seem so innocent and untainted." I've gotten that a lot, though keep in mind this was after the summer of 2009 where I did a lot of badassery I've never done before. Braved new worlds and new territories, boldly going, all that jazz (thank you Jean Luc Picard). I suppose I always assumed "innocent" tied in with "inexperience" more than anything else, but in this instance it wasn't after I answered "no" to a series of "Have you ever" questions. In this instance it wasn't asking if I've been out of the country, relating a story I couldn't connect with, or a question I didn't know how to answer. In this instance it was an immediate mental side note said out loud.

Maybe I'll always be associated with innocent traits.
Maybe in some circumstances I just have to learn for myself.

If you couldn't already tell, I was trying to wrap things up and lead into a "he was right, I shouldn't pine after him anymore" thing. (Not "he" as in George, btw, but "he" as in My Mister Mister, DL, the one I've been updating about.) Because he was. Because in the past few weeks a combination of events have happened to cause me to introspectively investigate, and the findings of my detective work have solved the case. The case wasn't that hard to solve, I just have a tendency of looking into the details before reading the obvious: we want different things. Completely different things! Undeniably different things. I realized this at the end of last summer, I took my time to get over him, I made my attempts at coming full circle to meet with closure at the local Starbuck's, have a cup of coffee and be along my merry way.

Further evidence supports the theory that we are still attracted to each other (hence spending the night a few weeks ago and being dumfounded that I was even invited to spend the night), can still crack each other up, but ultimately cannot give each other what we need at this time. And that's okaaay! The great thing about blogging is it's a moment frozen in time -- it solidifies all of the words floating in the pool of consciousness in my brain, strings them along in order and creates a nice imprint for me to re-visit later. Those moments are sometimes lasting moments full of feeling that has churned inside for the better part of a week, those moments are also sometimes the result of having too much time, not enough time, or too much synaptic energy. I hope I didn't come off as being anything other than I was -- on the steps to something that could be great, waiting behind the police tape.

I came back to those steps and the police tape was still there, so I've decided to go look for another story of steps. Um, and let's not get too ahead of ourselves, but.. pending a new investigation into our new prime suspect, I may have found something that could be.. better. That could be more aligned with my wants and needs. That could be something amazing, breath-taking and what I've been lollygagging waitin' around for. You know it's good when the laughter is so intense you can't restrain it, when you're doubled over in giggles, over a whirl of excitement, inside jokes, movie quotage and pop culture references. When caps are a necessity, because typing "BWAHAHAHAHA" is more true in the moment than the subdued "lol."

"Yup, I've decided.. I'm pretty sure i could flirt with you all night." By all means, PLEASE DO.

Aaah, I am ridiculously excited. Nervous gervous but a bundle of dy-no-mite. What if I'm not as pretty in person as a photo he's seen and liked (assuming he likes any photos aah)? What if the real deal in person is too shy at first to captivate any interest? What if I regain those 10lbs I worked so hard to lose (halfway to my weight goal YEAH!)?! What if my freaking fracking wing woman can't come and I have to go alooone! Well that would be okay BUT STILL. What if, what if, what if. What if things work out? Then hot damn, this is the first thing I've gotten truly excited about in a really long time (even more excited than the Mr. Mister I started blogging about initially) and I'mma gonna do cartwheels on a lawn to celebrate. What if things don't work out? Then hot damn at least I know I can get excited again after Joe and DL/Mr. Mr. and I'm still gonna do cartwheels on a lawn. Or maybe hula hoop.

Also there are 2 other suspects that have shown interest, and can I just say: What The Eff. WTE. I just made that up. WTE MAN! I get nothing and then ALL of it, and for some girls that's cool because they're hot and already used to it, but I am sooooo not. The past year I've entered singledeom, I've experienced some things but nothing's stuck yet. I was gettin' a little jaded, then this excited guy comes along and I'm like "Whoa!" And then two interested ones come along and I'm like "Hm, well maybe" because I'm still overstruck by the Keanu Reeves "Whoa" from earlier. No one is going to get that but me! Hah! And I don't even have to explain it because I'm only writin' for me! Double hah! Hah hah! The perks of starting up a new blog without telling anyone. :D

Forgot to mention this mental sunshine I absorbed the past month: Don't rely on anyone else for happiness, make it happen yourself. Forgot about that. Glad I was reminded. :]