I don't know what the point of this is, but I think that's kind of the fun part of it. Also I'm resisting the growing urge to grab something non-fruit and non-veggie (a.k.a. chips or cookies) to go nibble on, so a writing therapy session should be good for the soul right about now. Albeit not for the tummy.
I miss my life before October 22nd, 2010.
I have a headache. I have a heartache.
I've typed out 3 paragraphs and deleted them all. The first regarding my life pre-October 22nd and about to go into how I don't necessarily miss my ex or the relationship so much as my capacity for living, the second about the ex and the third about rasins.
I've found it difficult to string my thoughts together logically -- the magic filter in my brain that connects what I'm thinking to what I'm saying and blocks out all of the unnecessary stuff has fubar'd. Even my sentences are abhoringly, disgustingly run-on and cluttered. I feel as if I've been diluted.
Maybe I should write something on all of the stages I've gone through since losing my little brother. From screaming and extreme emotion, crying with strangers, relentless uncomfort in my own skin, not knowing what I believe in life anymore and the shock of being broken up with (even though, apparently we talked about it beforehand -- see the next example, short term memory loss) combined with unrooting my life and finding a way to replant it all again seemed too much at times. But it wasn't. We human beings have the capacity for more than we realize, and you dramatize and imagine something happening but until that hypothetical becomes reality there's no true understanding. No matter how great you are at imagining yourself in a situation.
Now the current struggle is a lack of focus. Lack of focus in conversation, lack of focus in life, in my long-term and short-term goals, in the people around me. Concentration be damned, I don't need it! Oh wait, I do? Fudge. Lack of motivation, as well. Incapacitated at life. I feel as if I'm freaking stunted, I can't do anything normally even though it seems like I'm normal on the outside. I just feel messed up: my body, my soul, my inner workings. Anxiety gets the best of me when optimism was formerly the majority, I don't recognize myself in the mirror anymore, I'm STILL in school at the age of 24 and after 7-8 years of college and I have no known tools to fix any of the problems I face in daily life. Something pops up and it sends me reeling over the anxiety attack cliff. Nothing pops up and I get depressed and fall deeper into my own private (Idaho) rabbit hole.
It's like I'm constantly out of breath, waiting for the race to slow down so I can catch up, but as I keep pushing and trying harder I fall further behind. There might be some glimmer of hope via some delayed deadline on a project for work, homework, having to get gas or someone understanding bits of my situation enough for me to feel a smidge of relief. But then the race picks back up and I start to feel like even gravity weighing me down is exhausting.
What do I do? (I'm just rambling stream of consciousness from now on to get it out.) Love? Lust? What do I do to keep on going? Nothing because we just keep on going anyway. How does this hurt inside go away? With time. What do I do when I feel as if I'm going to break from under it? Love. Why did these things happen to me? Why not?
I think losing a relationship after losing your little brother is a rare circumstance where erasing someone from your life would actually be beneficial and not have many repurcussions. I wish I had never met Devin. I am sure he is doing fantastic and that's great, I don't wish any harm for him in any way, I just think it was lose/lose for us to interact. Whatever lesson I was supposed to learn I could have easily learned from someone else with better timing, there was no reason for me to get my heart broken when my life was already broken.
See? Rambling. Is there any point to this? No, but there wasn't an intended point, which recycles back to me being frustrated at myself for not having a general pathway that this blog would follow. No general pathway makes it easier to start but harder to end.
I miss my family and my friends. I think this new place will work and be great. I miss being able to push myself and get shit done -- now I push myself and get minimal anything done of I'm lucky. I miss not complaining so goddamned much. I miss not being bitter or afraid or angry or hurt (at life, not at one particular person, though it manifests itself towards the people around me).
I wish I could take a soul-searching yearlong journey and just find myself again. Begin something and follow it through, meet some old wise people and learn to work hard again even if it's just sweeping the floor or on my hands and knees scrubbing. I want to be immersed in nature and learn to stop complaining again, I want to fully believe in.. anything. Anyone. How can I trust that anyone in my life is here for me like they say? I can, that's a lie. How can I trust anyone in the future will be here for me, if they say they will? How can I trust myself? I led myself to the situation I found myself in, in teh relationship and partly even with my little brother. I let things go a certain way and didn't do anything to stop them, okay, that's fine.. but what about what's next in life? How can I trust myself to make the right decisions when I so obviously failed?
It's the final countdown. Lost love and lives gone.
Bewildered. Bemused. Befuddled.
A pain-staking search. Agony.
Breathe in. Hurt. Breathe out. Ouch.
The air feels too thick, but somehow my lungs make it work.
Somehow I will make this work.
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Thursday, April 7, 2011
DC sleeps alone tonight
Life comes at you fast. It doesn't stop to offer a hand when it hits. It doesn't offer to take you out for coffee to catch up 3 years later, either.
I suppose there is always a question of why. Why did this happen? Why didn't this happen? Why did this happen at this time? Why, why, why? Why did I start this stupid thing? Create another fingerprint or thumb mark that no one but myself reads? There isn't any purpose or point, really, and this entity is another ignored link on my Firefox bookmark toolbar. But not everything needs a well-defined purpose to exist and not everything in life needs to make sense with the tools we have at the time to try to understand them.
Why am I skirting around the issue? This is ridiculous.
On October 22nd, 2010 my 18 year-old little brother died. I wish I could post some sort of time, but I don't know exactly when he passed away. Life changed entirely after I got that phone call from Mom, saying he was cold and blue. I don't think this type of experience leaves one very easily, and this may very well be one of the biggest life defining sections of my personal timeline.
A lot of things I thought I no longer think. For instance, I no longer think that I need anyone in life to be happy in any way. People are very nice to have around, but all you really *need* is yourself. Loved ones are a luxury, I suppose, albeit one of the best luxuries around. This is a combined result of pulling closer while pushing away as a family whole, and getting dumped 3 weeks after my little brother's passing. Everything in life becoming a series of mini or gigantic question marks as a result of the loss probably had something to do with it, too.
I started this thing to pour out what was inside my heart and head, because maybe I didn't feel like I had the appropriate outlet within the blend of relationships and activities in my life at the time. I was actually kind of bummed that something didn't work out with someone I had dated about a year or so before I made this blog, so I made the blog to empty my insides. I empty my insides on the internet all of the time, but having something I know no one else I know knows exist felt sort of liberating. Ya know? I didn't get that closure and I created this as a means to try to fabricate that closure. Interestingly enough, the guy I dated briefly and encouraged some of these initial posts has become a solid pillar of a friend and I've since found closure via long talks about shared and not-so-shared philosophies of life.
Really it wasn't a big deal. I'm a grown up, I understand not everything is going to work for the right reasons even though I wanted to. I moved on and such, but I felt like I was still stuck somewhere -- like I had ran through a muddy field and part of my shoe got caught in the process and I was caught looking back in slow motion, barely starting to notice. Or maybe more similar to that nagging feeling in the back of your head that you forgot something, until you get home from work and open the fridge and realize you forgot to pick up milk.
So I made this blog.
Now perhaps I pursue this digital jurisdiction in hopes of finding closure on a bigger hill -- a Mount Everest of sorts. A mountain to end all mountains that makes my jaw drop, cartoon character style, when I look up to the tippy, white marshmallow capped top. Where's that gatling gun when I need it, or MacGyver modified rocker launcher that shoots spears entwined with rope that I can use to climb up?
I know I can put one foot forward and continue on with life because I already have, I know sometimes I don't necessarily want to do it. I miss how life was before October 22nd, but before I think I missed everything about how life was, and now I realize parts of it were a lie. I sacrificed and gave myself too much to That Thing Called Love, because I felt it and the other person didn't. Sometime in November it all came to a head, one way or another, and I only wish he had worked up the ca-hones to do it earlier instead of bleed things out painfully.
Anyway, perhaps this will turn into a purely therapeutic exercise while I'm waiting to get into therapy. I share feelings, emotions and inner turmoils with close loved ones but there's always a 65% chance of failure of some sort -- whether there's a failure to communicate, interpret, analyze or discuss. Sometimes I can't sleep and I just want someone to talk to, but when I wake up and find one of my roommates awake they try to give me advice as if they've experienced the lost of a sibling and relationship and know what to do. As if they've been in my shoes and know any better. Sometimes I would rather hear "I'm sorry"s or an attempt to cheer me up or distract me than fold out directions on the next steps I have to take, and how I need to just get over these hurdles and move on with my life. On the other hand, sometimes I get the "I'm sorry this happened to you"s and the "Allow me to distract you whilest I cheer you up and pretend like I didn't hear any deep emotion in what you just said" and I really don't want it.
The fact of the matter is that there isn't one person or thing that can help. Nothing will bring my little brother back and that's what hurts the most. I don't care so much about the ex-boyfriend -- if anything that just complicates things because my emotional processing is sometimes so different than it would be if that relationship had ended sooner or was still continuing. That was just bad timing overall and will be gone in a flash compared to how long it will take me to learn to live without one of my best friends since birth. It's impossible to explain your connection with someone and do it complete justice when they've never met that other person.
In some ways I look for a quick fix but deep down know there isn't any. I'm potentially doing horribly in school, not showing up to work on time since I've come back, moving for the third time in 3 months, moving my last family member that lived by me (Mom) up to the rest of the family members in the northern area of my state and trying not to tell myself that being alone isn't going to be hard, wanting so badly to feel the thrill of love to take my aching away, wishing I was ready to start treating people better in my life and hoping that the people that matter won't hold it against me when I bail out on social occasions that I suggested or give into the paralyzing social/phone anxiety I've developed since this has happened.
It is hard to tell people about the loss of concentration, lack of focus and impossibility to self-discipline at the moment. It is so much easier to push on and allow people, for the most part, to not worry too much about me because I put on a "I'm doing better than I seem" mask. Partly because sometimes I am doing better than I seem, and also partly because even if I'm not doing better than I seem, there's a huge chance they won't be able to help. And this is coming from the girl that used to make everyone in their life talk about what was bothering them at the time because "talking about it" was so important.
I want to be forgotten about but I don't want to be forgotten. I want people to treat me normally, as if this hasn't happened, yet I want them to not forget it happened to me. I want to go out on dates and find someone to get close to because being with someone would probably be kind of nice right now, but I know I'm either not ready or just frankly not interested. That previous sentence could be summed up as "I want to be with someone but I would rather not have to focus on anyone else other than myself right now." I want to lose the weight my body gained as a result of eating normally after only eating 0.5 - 1 meal a day from mid-October to January.. but I also want to splurge in the comfort of food sometimes. I want to run and keep up my exercise/diet regimen but a huge part of me wishes I could just stay in bed for 3 weeks and cry all of this out.
Unfortunately, though, life comes at you fast. And there is no pause button. This is all just another matter of one foot in front of the other, one minute of each day at a time, until I'm looking down from the white-capped, gooey marshmallowy-ness and have already eaten 2 s'mores.
I suppose there is always a question of why. Why did this happen? Why didn't this happen? Why did this happen at this time? Why, why, why? Why did I start this stupid thing? Create another fingerprint or thumb mark that no one but myself reads? There isn't any purpose or point, really, and this entity is another ignored link on my Firefox bookmark toolbar. But not everything needs a well-defined purpose to exist and not everything in life needs to make sense with the tools we have at the time to try to understand them.
Why am I skirting around the issue? This is ridiculous.
On October 22nd, 2010 my 18 year-old little brother died. I wish I could post some sort of time, but I don't know exactly when he passed away. Life changed entirely after I got that phone call from Mom, saying he was cold and blue. I don't think this type of experience leaves one very easily, and this may very well be one of the biggest life defining sections of my personal timeline.
A lot of things I thought I no longer think. For instance, I no longer think that I need anyone in life to be happy in any way. People are very nice to have around, but all you really *need* is yourself. Loved ones are a luxury, I suppose, albeit one of the best luxuries around. This is a combined result of pulling closer while pushing away as a family whole, and getting dumped 3 weeks after my little brother's passing. Everything in life becoming a series of mini or gigantic question marks as a result of the loss probably had something to do with it, too.
I started this thing to pour out what was inside my heart and head, because maybe I didn't feel like I had the appropriate outlet within the blend of relationships and activities in my life at the time. I was actually kind of bummed that something didn't work out with someone I had dated about a year or so before I made this blog, so I made the blog to empty my insides. I empty my insides on the internet all of the time, but having something I know no one else I know knows exist felt sort of liberating. Ya know? I didn't get that closure and I created this as a means to try to fabricate that closure. Interestingly enough, the guy I dated briefly and encouraged some of these initial posts has become a solid pillar of a friend and I've since found closure via long talks about shared and not-so-shared philosophies of life.
Really it wasn't a big deal. I'm a grown up, I understand not everything is going to work for the right reasons even though I wanted to. I moved on and such, but I felt like I was still stuck somewhere -- like I had ran through a muddy field and part of my shoe got caught in the process and I was caught looking back in slow motion, barely starting to notice. Or maybe more similar to that nagging feeling in the back of your head that you forgot something, until you get home from work and open the fridge and realize you forgot to pick up milk.
So I made this blog.
Now perhaps I pursue this digital jurisdiction in hopes of finding closure on a bigger hill -- a Mount Everest of sorts. A mountain to end all mountains that makes my jaw drop, cartoon character style, when I look up to the tippy, white marshmallow capped top. Where's that gatling gun when I need it, or MacGyver modified rocker launcher that shoots spears entwined with rope that I can use to climb up?
I know I can put one foot forward and continue on with life because I already have, I know sometimes I don't necessarily want to do it. I miss how life was before October 22nd, but before I think I missed everything about how life was, and now I realize parts of it were a lie. I sacrificed and gave myself too much to That Thing Called Love, because I felt it and the other person didn't. Sometime in November it all came to a head, one way or another, and I only wish he had worked up the ca-hones to do it earlier instead of bleed things out painfully.
Anyway, perhaps this will turn into a purely therapeutic exercise while I'm waiting to get into therapy. I share feelings, emotions and inner turmoils with close loved ones but there's always a 65% chance of failure of some sort -- whether there's a failure to communicate, interpret, analyze or discuss. Sometimes I can't sleep and I just want someone to talk to, but when I wake up and find one of my roommates awake they try to give me advice as if they've experienced the lost of a sibling and relationship and know what to do. As if they've been in my shoes and know any better. Sometimes I would rather hear "I'm sorry"s or an attempt to cheer me up or distract me than fold out directions on the next steps I have to take, and how I need to just get over these hurdles and move on with my life. On the other hand, sometimes I get the "I'm sorry this happened to you"s and the "Allow me to distract you whilest I cheer you up and pretend like I didn't hear any deep emotion in what you just said" and I really don't want it.
The fact of the matter is that there isn't one person or thing that can help. Nothing will bring my little brother back and that's what hurts the most. I don't care so much about the ex-boyfriend -- if anything that just complicates things because my emotional processing is sometimes so different than it would be if that relationship had ended sooner or was still continuing. That was just bad timing overall and will be gone in a flash compared to how long it will take me to learn to live without one of my best friends since birth. It's impossible to explain your connection with someone and do it complete justice when they've never met that other person.
In some ways I look for a quick fix but deep down know there isn't any. I'm potentially doing horribly in school, not showing up to work on time since I've come back, moving for the third time in 3 months, moving my last family member that lived by me (Mom) up to the rest of the family members in the northern area of my state and trying not to tell myself that being alone isn't going to be hard, wanting so badly to feel the thrill of love to take my aching away, wishing I was ready to start treating people better in my life and hoping that the people that matter won't hold it against me when I bail out on social occasions that I suggested or give into the paralyzing social/phone anxiety I've developed since this has happened.
It is hard to tell people about the loss of concentration, lack of focus and impossibility to self-discipline at the moment. It is so much easier to push on and allow people, for the most part, to not worry too much about me because I put on a "I'm doing better than I seem" mask. Partly because sometimes I am doing better than I seem, and also partly because even if I'm not doing better than I seem, there's a huge chance they won't be able to help. And this is coming from the girl that used to make everyone in their life talk about what was bothering them at the time because "talking about it" was so important.
I want to be forgotten about but I don't want to be forgotten. I want people to treat me normally, as if this hasn't happened, yet I want them to not forget it happened to me. I want to go out on dates and find someone to get close to because being with someone would probably be kind of nice right now, but I know I'm either not ready or just frankly not interested. That previous sentence could be summed up as "I want to be with someone but I would rather not have to focus on anyone else other than myself right now." I want to lose the weight my body gained as a result of eating normally after only eating 0.5 - 1 meal a day from mid-October to January.. but I also want to splurge in the comfort of food sometimes. I want to run and keep up my exercise/diet regimen but a huge part of me wishes I could just stay in bed for 3 weeks and cry all of this out.
Unfortunately, though, life comes at you fast. And there is no pause button. This is all just another matter of one foot in front of the other, one minute of each day at a time, until I'm looking down from the white-capped, gooey marshmallowy-ness and have already eaten 2 s'mores.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
It's Friday, I'm in love.
Update: Loving life. In love. In life.
So often in my other blogs I feel like I just state how I feel instead of putting emotion into something. I wonder if that's a tendency or just something about sitting down at the computer screen and suddenly feeling overwhelmed at the jumble of words and sentence combinations that flow out of the mental faucet. Not to mention the overflow of tangencies that proceed thereafter and not wholly understanding how the puzzle will fit into place.
Was I born scatterbrained or is that just some funky left-handed thing?
I gotta paint or create. There was a cloud of desaturation infiltrating my vision -- slowly at first and then seeping into almost everything. I started going through life as an ant, as they say, dulled and on auto-pilot. And I think that's unavoidable, to a certain extent you always have to be able to have that ability in order to survive sometimes, because maybe all you're focused on is surviving. Just because you posses human emotion doesn't mean you want to acknowledge, activate or expend it. There was a chunk of last year where I was dazed and haphazardly trying to keep up without any passion for what I was doing or what was happening around me. Me, me, me. I, I, I. Ugh, blogging sounds so selfish at times.
Color is returning, vivid clarity and sharp details have zoomed into focus. So I don't know what I want to do with my life, who cares? I'm taking steps to do what I love and make that work. Why is everything in my brain based on having the answers. Why can't it just be about living and being happy and grateful for the opportunity to take a breath, and occasionally increase a small area's carbon dioxide levels with a great debate? Or a pause to see the twinkle in someone's eye as they fondly share a sunny memory? A small portion of their lives that they will carry forever, calling upon in times of need, reassurance, self-deprecating or self-enlightening.
There's some cheesy quote about going through life waiting for that moment to happen when the right conditions are met to be happy and missing all of the opportunities to be happy along the way. I don't know. I don't get truly inspired often and so often I've been too busy to clench my teeth into it. Maybe it's time to put that to use instead of ignoring it for the sake of "real life"/obligations. Maybe that's what I'm supposed to do, is follow that inspiration and see where it takes me.
In other news, yes! In love! Can I shout it? Oh man. Please? Okay!
So often in my other blogs I feel like I just state how I feel instead of putting emotion into something. I wonder if that's a tendency or just something about sitting down at the computer screen and suddenly feeling overwhelmed at the jumble of words and sentence combinations that flow out of the mental faucet. Not to mention the overflow of tangencies that proceed thereafter and not wholly understanding how the puzzle will fit into place.
Was I born scatterbrained or is that just some funky left-handed thing?
I gotta paint or create. There was a cloud of desaturation infiltrating my vision -- slowly at first and then seeping into almost everything. I started going through life as an ant, as they say, dulled and on auto-pilot. And I think that's unavoidable, to a certain extent you always have to be able to have that ability in order to survive sometimes, because maybe all you're focused on is surviving. Just because you posses human emotion doesn't mean you want to acknowledge, activate or expend it. There was a chunk of last year where I was dazed and haphazardly trying to keep up without any passion for what I was doing or what was happening around me. Me, me, me. I, I, I. Ugh, blogging sounds so selfish at times.
Color is returning, vivid clarity and sharp details have zoomed into focus. So I don't know what I want to do with my life, who cares? I'm taking steps to do what I love and make that work. Why is everything in my brain based on having the answers. Why can't it just be about living and being happy and grateful for the opportunity to take a breath, and occasionally increase a small area's carbon dioxide levels with a great debate? Or a pause to see the twinkle in someone's eye as they fondly share a sunny memory? A small portion of their lives that they will carry forever, calling upon in times of need, reassurance, self-deprecating or self-enlightening.
There's some cheesy quote about going through life waiting for that moment to happen when the right conditions are met to be happy and missing all of the opportunities to be happy along the way. I don't know. I don't get truly inspired often and so often I've been too busy to clench my teeth into it. Maybe it's time to put that to use instead of ignoring it for the sake of "real life"/obligations. Maybe that's what I'm supposed to do, is follow that inspiration and see where it takes me.
In other news, yes! In love! Can I shout it? Oh man. Please? Okay!
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Damnit Jim, I'm a doctor not a pool man!
How easy it is to let something go at times.
How easy it is to unneccessarily hold on.
Well Hell's Bells, I dunno. I keep on ah truckin' along. I don't know why other people do what they do. Why other people have kids and can't even muster up the effort to care for them. Why people start things they're unsure about and regret later. Why I still hold something with me at times that I've let go.
This sounds sad, partly because I am very lost in my artistic endeavors and budding/not-yet-started-because-I-can't-find-direction-in-school career. I'm immersing myself back into family in order to regain focus. Remember what I've been working so hard for the past 6+ years. Recharge, relax and reenergizer bunny! It also probably sounds sad because of some family drama I'm not involved in, but would love to help (unfortunately there isn't a whole lot I can do). And mostly, probably, because I stumbled across an old journal entry while cleaning out my computer 2 nights ago that really hit below the belt. I was so happy, so excited, asking so many questions, so into it, so blatantly unafraid to take the next steps (that ended when I saw I was the only one willing to step forward). I don't know, something about that one that I found struck a chord.
It's not that I'm better than someone else, BUT I am definitely better than this. It is normal, however, to have these instances flare up every so often, I think. I think it's part of the whole process.
Funny, how our experiences mold us. Curious, how our decisions follow us. I don't regret anything, though sometimes I regret giving him the benefit of the doubt. "He's a great guy." Man I hear that whenever anyone brings his name up, that's what everyone says, but I disagree, haha. That's just because I'm biased. Anywho! This doesn't bubble up very often anymore, which is a good sign. I have someone else who is just as excited, just as happy, just as loving and just as willing to take the next step as me. Freaking fracking "gettem I be sayin'" l-o-v-e it. Falling a little more and more with every interaction. :] Glad that we have some distance so I can sort of deal with this crap and not let it get in the way.
How weird, you know, something that lasted 3.5 years resolved completely and is remembered with a nostalgic fondness that I think everyone has with their first encounter with love. Love love, not infatuation. But then for something that lasted only a few months can have such a profoundly negative association in my brain. I have been the bigger person and put it aside, but I talked to the bf about it last night and would not like either of them to cross paths in my presence. At least for awhile, haha. I'm feeling a little uh.. too introspective lately. Time to go feeed my baby neice!
How easy it is to unneccessarily hold on.
Well Hell's Bells, I dunno. I keep on ah truckin' along. I don't know why other people do what they do. Why other people have kids and can't even muster up the effort to care for them. Why people start things they're unsure about and regret later. Why I still hold something with me at times that I've let go.
This sounds sad, partly because I am very lost in my artistic endeavors and budding/not-yet-started-because-I-can't-find-direction-in-school career. I'm immersing myself back into family in order to regain focus. Remember what I've been working so hard for the past 6+ years. Recharge, relax and reenergizer bunny! It also probably sounds sad because of some family drama I'm not involved in, but would love to help (unfortunately there isn't a whole lot I can do). And mostly, probably, because I stumbled across an old journal entry while cleaning out my computer 2 nights ago that really hit below the belt. I was so happy, so excited, asking so many questions, so into it, so blatantly unafraid to take the next steps (that ended when I saw I was the only one willing to step forward). I don't know, something about that one that I found struck a chord.
It's not that I'm better than someone else, BUT I am definitely better than this. It is normal, however, to have these instances flare up every so often, I think. I think it's part of the whole process.
Funny, how our experiences mold us. Curious, how our decisions follow us. I don't regret anything, though sometimes I regret giving him the benefit of the doubt. "He's a great guy." Man I hear that whenever anyone brings his name up, that's what everyone says, but I disagree, haha. That's just because I'm biased. Anywho! This doesn't bubble up very often anymore, which is a good sign. I have someone else who is just as excited, just as happy, just as loving and just as willing to take the next step as me. Freaking fracking "gettem I be sayin'" l-o-v-e it. Falling a little more and more with every interaction. :] Glad that we have some distance so I can sort of deal with this crap and not let it get in the way.
How weird, you know, something that lasted 3.5 years resolved completely and is remembered with a nostalgic fondness that I think everyone has with their first encounter with love. Love love, not infatuation. But then for something that lasted only a few months can have such a profoundly negative association in my brain. I have been the bigger person and put it aside, but I talked to the bf about it last night and would not like either of them to cross paths in my presence. At least for awhile, haha. I'm feeling a little uh.. too introspective lately. Time to go feeed my baby neice!
Thursday, May 13, 2010
She said can you remember me, I'm the one that picked the apple tree
I'm going to go out here on a limb and say that this has good potential. I'm also going to cower back from that limb and say I am afraid of getting hurt again.
How can I say this? The last thing that came by way and made me this excited died down. The last time I felt this giddy and blushed this much, it only lasted for 2-3 months. I was really into it, I liked the person a lot, I looked forward to every IM and weekend spent at his house. But there came a point where we disconnected, shit hit the fan, I wasn't let in and there's something.. there. Something underneath all of those layers that still bothers me about it. I suppose in the end I wondered why someone would start a first kiss and begin something so amazing without wanting to see what could become of it. I suppose it's because I never got to argue, I just took it as it was. I suppose it's also because I didn't get a chance to unwind, relax, get comfortable with them enough for, in my opinion, them to tell if I had staying power. Maybe not. Maybe they could see past it all.
Let's see what else. The last time something lasted an entire weekend, my excitement level only lasted a week or two. I was all into it and then I lost it. We got to know each other more and I wasn't really all that giddy about who I uncovered underneath.
What I'm trying to say is I don't want this to be like one of the other times. I don't want this to be like any of the other times! I'm not saying that this new guy has to be the end all, but I am saying that he's pretty amazing and seems like the type of person I have been looking for in a significant other for awhile. If I've learned anything from my past relationship, it's what works and doesn't work for me in certain scenarios -- and this one is showing some lasting potential.
I'm excited but I feel I'm also holding myself back. God I've been ready for a good relationship for a year now and something like this falls into place and weirdly tumbles into our laps. I am so relieved I'm not the only one excited. I am sooo nervous. I am soo still not comfortable in my own skin (almost in the 120s though, only 3 lbs away yay).
I'm worried about making this out to be something better than it is. I am worried about losing interest. I am worried in him losing interest. I am worried it will die out before getting a nice, steady blaze going.. but I am really, really glad that this is happening. :] I hope I can push past all of this bullshit enough to show him something worth sticking around for. Something worth coming back to. We'll see, let's not get ahead of ourselves. But if it feels right, let's freefall.
How can I say this? The last thing that came by way and made me this excited died down. The last time I felt this giddy and blushed this much, it only lasted for 2-3 months. I was really into it, I liked the person a lot, I looked forward to every IM and weekend spent at his house. But there came a point where we disconnected, shit hit the fan, I wasn't let in and there's something.. there. Something underneath all of those layers that still bothers me about it. I suppose in the end I wondered why someone would start a first kiss and begin something so amazing without wanting to see what could become of it. I suppose it's because I never got to argue, I just took it as it was. I suppose it's also because I didn't get a chance to unwind, relax, get comfortable with them enough for, in my opinion, them to tell if I had staying power. Maybe not. Maybe they could see past it all.
Let's see what else. The last time something lasted an entire weekend, my excitement level only lasted a week or two. I was all into it and then I lost it. We got to know each other more and I wasn't really all that giddy about who I uncovered underneath.
What I'm trying to say is I don't want this to be like one of the other times. I don't want this to be like any of the other times! I'm not saying that this new guy has to be the end all, but I am saying that he's pretty amazing and seems like the type of person I have been looking for in a significant other for awhile. If I've learned anything from my past relationship, it's what works and doesn't work for me in certain scenarios -- and this one is showing some lasting potential.
I'm excited but I feel I'm also holding myself back. God I've been ready for a good relationship for a year now and something like this falls into place and weirdly tumbles into our laps. I am so relieved I'm not the only one excited. I am sooo nervous. I am soo still not comfortable in my own skin (almost in the 120s though, only 3 lbs away yay).
I'm worried about making this out to be something better than it is. I am worried about losing interest. I am worried in him losing interest. I am worried it will die out before getting a nice, steady blaze going.. but I am really, really glad that this is happening. :] I hope I can push past all of this bullshit enough to show him something worth sticking around for. Something worth coming back to. We'll see, let's not get ahead of ourselves. But if it feels right, let's freefall.
Monday, May 10, 2010
Winner winner, chicken dinner
W-I-N. So much FULL of win that I cannot even possibly describe the win. Except to say, of course, that it is safe to assume a win. WIN.
This weekend wins 'cause the first date wins. Won! Won, yes. That makes much more sense.
I have a sketchbook that isn't even halfway filled up due Thursday. TWO colored pencil shebangs due Wednesday. This week is gonna knock me down, but I'mma get right back up and keep on fighting. WHY?! Because I GOTTA!
Four more days 'til I get to see him again! This will be good.
This weekend wins 'cause the first date wins. Won! Won, yes. That makes much more sense.
I have a sketchbook that isn't even halfway filled up due Thursday. TWO colored pencil shebangs due Wednesday. This week is gonna knock me down, but I'mma get right back up and keep on fighting. WHY?! Because I GOTTA!
Four more days 'til I get to see him again! This will be good.
Monday, May 3, 2010
You could be the queen, and I would be the king
Let me do something I don't normally do, and recommend music. Jamin Wilcox is the drummer (or was, maybe) of one of my favorite bands, Under the Influence of Giants. All of the UTIOG members have broken off and started to experiment flying solo, which I'm not a huge fan of since that usually means an eventual break up, though some of the results have been splendid. Like Jamin's songs.
So excited for this weekend! I will not get ahead of myself on this one. I will not get ahead of myself on this one. Repeat after me, self. I will not get ahead of myself! Self!
There's always this wall that you hit in the semester, as a college student. Or perhaps it's only for creative-based studies, but there's always this make it or break it wall. I'm not saying I'm not making it, but it's taking me much longer to crack through that wall -- before I would have already gotten through but now I'm barely making a dent. I've handled tougher projects under more strenuous deadlines with a heavier workload ON TOP of personal issues (e.g. deployment/divorce/moving combo), this semester is not that tough, why does it feel so tough?
At first I started wondering if I'm getting artistically lazy. But then my Friday class always inspires me to work as hard as I can, and I stay late in order to keep on drawing on those days.. I think I'm starting to get a little worn out. I don't know, I shouldn't get worn out, I should be able to handle this if I'm passionate enough about it and want to pursue it in the real world. Then again, in the real world, I wouldn't necessarily be juggling 12-15 units with a job.
Maybe it's because I'm not going to be tracing everything in graphite, and I'm just burnt out of my graphite/colored pencil class, haha.
Well, I'm not going to worry about it, despite the fact that I probably will worry at least a little. My plate is full, but I've filled up larger plates and felt more efficient. I was getting like this this time last year, and then summer hit and it was glorious and I was single and discovering myself all over again. Maybe I need to skip the second job and just live. All work and no play make Shana go something something. GO CRAZY?! Don't mind if I do!
(I will not get ahead of myself. Eep, so excited though. What am I gonna weaaar, I don't want to look like I'm trying too hard, but I do, but who cares I want to be pretty, but he should think I'm pretty anyway if this is going anywhere else, aaaah okay. Back to sanity.)
So excited for this weekend! I will not get ahead of myself on this one. I will not get ahead of myself on this one. Repeat after me, self. I will not get ahead of myself! Self!
There's always this wall that you hit in the semester, as a college student. Or perhaps it's only for creative-based studies, but there's always this make it or break it wall. I'm not saying I'm not making it, but it's taking me much longer to crack through that wall -- before I would have already gotten through but now I'm barely making a dent. I've handled tougher projects under more strenuous deadlines with a heavier workload ON TOP of personal issues (e.g. deployment/divorce/moving combo), this semester is not that tough, why does it feel so tough?
At first I started wondering if I'm getting artistically lazy. But then my Friday class always inspires me to work as hard as I can, and I stay late in order to keep on drawing on those days.. I think I'm starting to get a little worn out. I don't know, I shouldn't get worn out, I should be able to handle this if I'm passionate enough about it and want to pursue it in the real world. Then again, in the real world, I wouldn't necessarily be juggling 12-15 units with a job.
Maybe it's because I'm not going to be tracing everything in graphite, and I'm just burnt out of my graphite/colored pencil class, haha.
Well, I'm not going to worry about it, despite the fact that I probably will worry at least a little. My plate is full, but I've filled up larger plates and felt more efficient. I was getting like this this time last year, and then summer hit and it was glorious and I was single and discovering myself all over again. Maybe I need to skip the second job and just live. All work and no play make Shana go something something. GO CRAZY?! Don't mind if I do!
(I will not get ahead of myself. Eep, so excited though. What am I gonna weaaar, I don't want to look like I'm trying too hard, but I do, but who cares I want to be pretty, but he should think I'm pretty anyway if this is going anywhere else, aaaah okay. Back to sanity.)
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